Got It! I Chose My New Vanity Plate Title!

I'm totally still here, just haven't written in forever.   I do have a lot of ideas rattling around in my head that haven't quite become a post yet, but in the meantime, between living the good life, running loads of laundry, and solving world hunger...I DID totally think of a vanity plate for my car.

No, not this.  But I'd also totally get this one, seriously.

Not that I *have* a car, but you know...when I do again, I'm leaning towards totally getting this on the license plate:

CUDUNOT    

(Translation:    COULD YOU -  NOT ???)  Because lately that is all I find myself saying to pretty much everyone I meet.

*Whispers    or...maybe it's me?*

Possibly I'm invisible.  Or my car is invisible.  Or I'm just really good at ALWAYS BEING IN PEOPLE'S WAY or something, but seriously-- lately, all I get from people, at the grocery store, in parking lots, and on the road, is that look like: "WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK are you doing right there in my way????"

So I feel like I'm always telling them:  "Could you NOT ??? ...
1.  ..pull out in front of me while I'm driving through a green light?

2.  ..stop suddenly in front of my 200-pound shopping cart?

3.  ..sneak behind my car while I'm backing out of a spot?

4.  ..tailgate me when there are like 50 cars ahead of me already, and they're ALL going 27 mph in a 55 mph zone?  Yes.  I KNOW we're going too slow.  I didn't start this party.

5.  ..pull UP the DOWN lane in the already-tiny parking lot at the gym and then look at ME like I suddenly materialized in the lane in a UFO?  (hello, crazy lady from today's episode of 'parking at the gym" Are you high?)  

I think she actually was...seriously.  I had to mouth at her:  "NO.  LET ME GET OUT OF YOUR WAY."   Because she tried to actually squeeze a FULL-SIZED SUBURBAN PAST ME, in a single-lane situation.  I could not believe how hard she tried.  Like, do you seriously NOT see me right now? I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN LANE!!!  YOU CAN NOT FIT THAT CAR THROUGH HERE.

So.  Right now the whole idea of "COULD YOU - NOT ???"  seems to just fit every single incident of my life lately.

Except for "Could you not...read my blog?"  Because that would be weird and probably just rude, and then I'd be all just writing for no one but myself, which I kind of already do, but still, *you* are the exception.  I missed you.  :)

How about this, instead?

Maybe it would remind me to actually do it.  ;)

Open letter to cyclists

Sometimes you just have to get stuff off your chest, so here I go.

If you're a cool, I'm riding my bike but I realize that I am a small piece of what is sharing this highway cyclist, then this isn't for you.

If you're one of the mountain bikers who we never see on the roads, this isn't for you.

If you're one of those cool road bikers who travel by bicycle everywhere and understand that the edge of the road, right of way strip, bike lanes, walking paths, and (yes, ahem) SEPARATE FREAKING BIKE TRAILS are there for you, just...you.  Then, this is also not for you.

But.

If you are that total flipping rude nut job kind of cyclist who I watched try and play some crazy sort of reverse-highway-chicken, you-can't-pass-me game, with my husband while he was driving a dump truck AND towing a camper amounting to about 27,000 pounds of steel carefully along a narrow, 35 mph, curvy, mountainous, blind spot-inducing, nowhere-for-anyone-to-go road, then this is definitely for you.

I get it.  You own the freaking road.  But seriously, really, sweetheart...so do we.  So, in love, please, could you move over a scosh so people can at least have the option to attempt to pass you safely without killing you, us, and the oncoming drivers!?!! This woman actually made me scream in frustration.  I don't think I've ever seen anything so rude from a cyclist. 

Here's this woman riding down the MIDDLE, and I mean the M-I-D-D-L-E of our lane on this windy, narrow, blind corner, busy road, on her bike.  Pedaling along like whatever, I'm riding here.  And she totally can see (and no doubt hear) my husband's big red 2-ton diesel truck pulling a 30' camper come up behind her, with two cars also behind him.  We're all patiently following her, politely waiting for her to notice and inch over so we can try to get past and continue our day. Eventually we realize, after like 5 miles of random curves and straight stretches...it's not going to happen.  Does she remotely attempt to let traffic by, safely, so we can all share the road?  No.  She looks over her shoulder, speeds up her pedaling a little (really?), and stays right there in the middle of the lane.  She passes numerous places where she could safely have let us by.  She passes numerous places where she could have pedaled along beside the road entirely for a stretch.  She would probably have passed a complete bike rest stop without any attempt to move or let anyone by.

Finally the minivan behind me takes his life (and all of ours, and hers) in his hands and passes ALL THREE OF US, me, the 55' of truck and camper, AND the cyclist and goes flying off down the curvy narrow road, also narrowly missing my husband, who had catiously turned on his signal to pass the cyclist, only to suddenly find Mr. Minivan right next to the camper, forcing him to swerve the whole setup BACK into the lane behind this lady.  On her bike.  I helpfully honked at all of them, couldn't even help it.

I'm watching all this from two cars back.  And still, she cycled on.  In the middle of the lane.  With a giant Dodge growling right behind her, dragging 13.5 tons of metal.  She would NOT let us past. What if she'd crashed?  We'd have all driven right over her.  Stunning.  I wish I'd taken a picture of this lunatic, cycling along down the middle of the road with a truck, camper, car, and minivan all patiently winding around behind her. 

Finally there was a small gap with some visibility where my husband was able to take his and my daughter's life (and the cyclist's I suppose) in his hands and carefully drag the whole 55' of truck and trailer out in the oncoming lane and get past this woman.  She kept cycling right down the middle of the lane.

Is she blind? Deaf? Angry? Suicidal?     Can anyone seriously be THIS FLIPPING RUDE????

I'm behind them like, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW????"

I passed her as well, but my question is what. the. heck??  People, move OVER.  I'm not talking about, oh, any minute now, when it's safe, she'll give us some room.  I'm talking about someone acting like I'm totally within my rights to be here and I will literally stay in this lane right in front of you for the rest of this entire road if I feel like it because I am a biker, and I can be here if I feel like it, and today...I feel like it.  So screw you, all of you, in your cars, trying to drive.

As I passed her, I had to say to her (loudly enough for her to hear me), "WOW".  Couldn't help it.  And you know what? She flipped me off.  Nice.  Probably because she's been yelled at ALL DAY, but really, get a clue woman.  This road was one of the most dangerous places I can imagine cycling.  You couldn't pay me to ride a bike down this road.

I can totally see how road rage happens, because I'm a non-violent, polite, give everyone the benefit of the doubt kind of person, but this woman came close to having me stop the car and kick her off her bike myself.  Especially after flipping me off for being annoyed with her.

Hopefully she didn't cause any accidents on the rest of the 15 mile road out to the normal highways (with--what?-- scenic bike trails everywhere, clearly marked), because she was putting her own life in danger, along with everyone else on that road today.  I can only hope she had no choice, no car, no friends to drive her anywhere, no money for a cab, and it was a matter of life and death that she get down that road, right then.

I still can't believe it.  I've seen some rude cyclists, but this one topped them all.  Bar none. 

So as a public service message from drivers to bikers.  Please.  We get it.  You pay taxes and by golly you can bike wherever you freaking want and that's legal.  Whatever.  Do it wisely, is all I want to say.  We're all used to the fact that we have to slow down and try and squeeze past your elbows on narrow country roads here and there, and we try to ignore the fact that if we have the sun in our eyes or we glance for a split second away from the road, we could kill you there on your bike, and we'd have that on our conscience forever, but for the love of Pete please give us at least a chance to get PAST you, so we can ALL enjoy the drive.

Just in case you are a cyclist like this, and you write me a nasty-gram about how bikers are misunderstood and victimized, and the nitpickity details of the legality of cycling and rights of way, etc., be assured I will happily delete it.

Driver's ED

Aren't we all the best driving instructors?

We all do this.  Talk to other drivers while we're in the car.  You know you do.  I do.  I try not to say too much when I have kids in the car, but sometimes it can't be helped, although I do avoid the more colorful stuff, or I try to put a spin on it like it's some sort of learning lesson.  See that, kids? That idiot right there? That would normally make me want to scream and honk while making various gestures, but instead, I'm just driving calmly along, frowning...Mom learned a little more "patience" today! 

Still, I sometimes end up having these dialogues, usually out loud:

1.  What the---??? (hands in the air)  WHAT are you doing? Oh, you're turning… Thanks for using a BLINKER! I always love a chance to suddenly brush up on my reflexes and remind myself to never EVER look away from the road.

2.  Nice. You're PASSING me. And 4 other cars.  In a blizzard. Are you kidding me right now?? Must be great to have a 4x4 so you can drive 55 in a 40 mph zone on solid ice while passing 4 cars in a double yellow zone.  This one gets an index finger head-tap, as in "Wow. Use your HEAD, dumb-a$$".  (sorry but yes, it slips out).

3.  Two thumbs way, way up for the drivers who come flying up at the end of a double lane to squeeze past you while almost pushing you off the road, and then immediately they slow down to l e s s t h a n t h e s p e e d l i m i t.  As if time has suddenly stopped, or they forgot that 3 seconds ago, they were in a HUGE flipping hurry to get here.  Yes, you.  I have a special bumper/plow/ram assembly that I'd love to see developed, just for you.  Then I could use it to just calmly push you out of the way and off to the side, while maintaining the speed I was safely already at. 

do this NOW

    3a.  Mouthing the word "no".  This is for the drivers who come flying up past the signs that have said, clearly, for the last 2 miles "RIGHT LANE ENDS", but they will stubbornly pass everyone who already merged on over (I know, we're sheep) until they come literally up to the actual closed lane and can not drive another car length, before deciding they need to squeeze in, RIGHT-HERE, RIGHT-NOW.  I love the sense of solidarity you see when total strangers on the road will team up to not let them in while pretending to innocently be minding our own business, over here in our clearly-marked, single lane.  Nice try, though, dude.  Hope you weren't in a hurry or anything.  (wink) 

4.  "I'M DRIVING HERE".  When I'm driving, like any NORMAL person would, up a lane in a parking lot, and this guy's driving cross-ways through the whole entire parking lot.  At 35 mph.  If you cross in front of me, I will pretend I didn't see you, so you better either make it quick or get with the program.  This is another time a bumper ram/plow-type device would be great--then you could just catch their car and keep pushing them out of the way like a pile of snow until you've reach a good drop-off spot. 

   4a. This one has the added caveat of making me wonder, do you realize people also WALK in parking lots? And they have small children on the ground? Really.  Slow. The. Heck. DOWN.  In every direction.

5.  "Up. What are you doing?? The arrow points UP! UP, PEOPLE! Aaaahhh! Really??!?  No, wait, let ME get out of YOUR WAY."  For the folks who drive down the wrong direction in a parking lot lane marked with one-way directional arrows.  The arrows are there for a reason.  Mainly to point out that there isn't room for two cars to pass in this lane. But no.  Let ME squeeze to a stop to avoid running over some pedestrian while you drive down the middle of the lane with your Hummer.  (Hands up like, "wow" helps here, but not much).  Also sometimes I realize, too late, that *I'm* the one going the wrong way…duh.  So I keep the gestures to a minimum, just in case.

6.  Fog lights, or driving lights, or whatever they call them, at night, when there's no fog, or rain, or hazard whatsoever.  You know those two extra-large, extra-bright white lights BELOW your regular head lights? Those are for seeing in FOG, PEOPLE. Fog. Not for driving around on regular crystal clear evenings when us normal people might be trying to drive past you, until we are blinded by the full set of four lights in our face like an oncoming TRAIN.  I can't even tell you how annoying this is.  Please, have mercy.  Leave them OFF.  They are not cool.  They are blinding.  They make me want to put an actual train headlight on my hood and turn it on right in your face as you approach.  (Sorry…I'm usually so nice).

7.  Tailgaiting.  Even in dry conditions, this is just indefensible, but amazingly enough, I also get these on solid ice, which makes them especially enjoyable (sarcasm).  If you're willing to get so close to me that I can't see your hood ornament, you are TOOFREAKINGCLOSE, and I will use my brakes at will.  I always wish there was a bumper sticker or vanity plate that could impart this sentiment in just a few words, but it's no use.  I'm not a slow driver, so I'm always amazed at these people.  I'm willing to push the limit to 5 or even sometimes (yes) 10 mph over the posted limit, usually for the simple reason that this is the only way to keep up with traffic.  But if I'm already doing THAT, and you're willing to inch closer and closer and closer and closerandcloserandcloser, then you have earned the right to slam into the back of my car anytime I chose to STAND ON MY BRAKES. 

Fair warning.  I may also decide to turn, without signaling, into that lane clearly marked "Down".

I'm sure there are more, but for now, this will have to do.

For my own amusement, here are some others I'd love to post on our road...

could  happen...

stunt area, watch for motorcycles

followed by a bucket of roofing nails tossed across the road...

watch for yoga students in the roadway

Standing In Lines

(I wrote this about a year and a half ago, at the height of my running-every-direction with cakes and kids phase.  It's an interesting peek at how stressed for time I actually was...)


Is there a Fast Pass for this line? Somebody??

So, if you are one of those people who doesn’t mind being THAT person who is holding up the whole line behind you at the store, possibly keeping the cashier from taking a lunch break or their omg-i-need-too-pee break, or you are possibly delaying the ACTUAL STORE FROM CLOSING, please, if you are that person, just go read something else.

I’m not that person.

You can see where this is going, right?

Ok.  Today I promised my 12-year-old that I would go and get her 30 dominoes for a school project that she is working on after school, and this is something that will cause the project to not turn out, and she will fail this class, and possibly end up living in a van down by the river, if I don’t produce 30 dominoes.  I said, sure.  Because, you know, how hard can it be?  I’m not sure where you find dominoes, but I’m positive I can handle this grown-up responsibility.  I see them winning the award for the best project and her smiling at me like “Hey, we couldn’t have won without you getting those dominoes.  Thanks Mom!”

I left the house at a time that would give me plenty of time to accomplish this, plus go to the bank, stop at the spa supply store, and make a quick stop for my husband to pick up some hunting supplies at a sporting goods store.  Yep, definitely enough time.  Maybe even too much.

Got through the bank, no problem.  Hit the freeway and zipped over to the sporting goods store, which is walking distance from the spa store.  Ha, I think—I’ve GOT this.  I send a quick text to my husband to double check what I will need to get for him, and while waiting for the answer and not being one to waste time, I pop into the spa supply store to grab my two super-easy “I just need chlorine and shock” products.  Easy in, easy out, right?  No.

I walk up to the counter and stop behind the only customer at the counter, being helped by the only guy at the counter.  Actually the only employee on the property, by the looks of it, but I’m like, “Ok, no problem.”  So I wait.  Because the products I need are actually:  Behind The Counter.  So I can’t just grab them and be hanging out in line.  I have to Wait For Help.  Ok, still, no problem.

It turns out, however, that the guy (and his wife) in front of me, are in the middle of a very complicated purchase of a WHOLE HOT TUB SYSTEM, including delivery, setup, chemical analysis, and maintenance programming.  This is a big deal for them; yes, I get it.  But I’m starting to think, “wow, bad timing, huh?”  So they’re being helped by the guy, who is of course happy to help them.  It’s a big sale, you know, so I’m still pretty much ok with it.  They have lots of questions about electrical things that sound like “tie-in” and “GFS circuit”, and I have no idea what they’re talking about, but eventually they sign all 50 documents, get everything but a guided tour of the store, and they’re (tah-dah) done.  So I think, “Yay! I can get my stuff and jam outa here.” 

Meanwhile I’ve missed two calls from my husband, trying to let me know what he will need from the sporting goods store.  (Because I’m one of those polite types who turns their phone OFFPEOPLEOFFTURNTHEFREAKINGPHONEOFFINTHECHECKOUTLINE).  Sorry. Did I say that out loud?

Moving on…

As they leave, finally (yes, I’m happy for them; a new hot tub is awesome, go, people, go in peace),  I start to take a step towards the counter, when, out of the corner of my eye, I see…this guy.  From nowhere.  Step right UP to the counter in front of me.   I think, “Ok.  Maybe he was here before me, and if I step up ahead of him, he’ll freak totally out that he’s been waiting forever and he’s NEXT”, so I stand there and wait some more.  I’m starting to check my clock on the phone, because I am on a tight schedule with the whole dominoes-get-to-the-school-by-3:30 thing, and I still have the sporting goods store to go to.

He starts out with “Yeah…I have this little part on my hot tub that’s broken…” and I sigh.  Can’t I just pay for my two products and go? Please?  So the guy helps him figure out WHAT part he has that is broken, and whether it’s black or white, and what brand it is, and they look it up, call China for the part number, and ring him up.  “That’ll be $4.17.”  Yes! So close now.  He’s paying.  I’m almost leaning towards the counter, ready to spring.  Then he says, “so…Tell me about this XZY brand hot tub? Is that the same as the QRS hot tub you sell?”  The employee launches into an explanation of how the two companies were different, but merged 4 years ago, so now they’re “sister” companies, and starts in on the pros and cons of the brands.  I’m drumming my fingers a bit on the ledge behind me, and checking my clock.  I can hear it going TICK TOCK.  TICK TOCK. 

TICKTOCK YOU ARERUNNNINGOUTOFTIME NODOMINOESFORYOUUUUHAHAHAHA.

The guy asks for a brochure.  I’m like, seriously?!?  REALLY?  He finally goes away, and I am able to quickly step up and ask for my two products, and pay for them.  No, I don’t want any extra products.  I don’t want to be on the mailing list, though for some reason, it does take him awhile to “find” me in the computer.  I didn’t realize I needed to be IN there..  I’m holding my debit card here; what else do we NEED for this?  I sort of quick-step to my car and throw the chemicals in the front seat, and quickly call my husband back as I run/walk across the parking lot to the sporting goods store.  The nice couple ahead of me waits for me and holds the door for me.  Thanks.  J 

I get inside, and fortunately what he needs are two things that are easy to find, so I grab them and head to the counter, where, again, there is one tired girl helping a long line of people preparing for Hunting Season.  I know I have to wait, so I’m standing there behind the couple who held the door, waiting.  A guy shows up and opens the other till and says “I can help whoever’s next in line.”  Everyone (I swear) just looks at him, but no one moves.  (eyebrow up)

I say “Well, *I’ll* go over there.  So I step around to that side, and find myself somehow half a step behind the couple who held the door.  That’s cool; whatever.  We’re still way ahead, right?  No.  They are returning not one, but TWO axes, or mauls, or whatever they’re called.  So the new cashier here has to fill out some: Paperwork.  He needs their receipts, both of them, with the yellow tag still attached.  He needs their photo I.D. (really?)  He needs “the card # ending in….0413”.  He runs it as a credit but somehow it is wrong, so he has to repeat the process.  I visibly slump.  The lady keeps glancing towards me, but I refuse to meet her eye while I check my clock and wonder where the closest place to find dominoes is.  I still don’t know.  Do grocery stores have dominoes?  There’s one close, but if it DOESN’T have dominoes, I will have used up my allotted time searching.  Wal-Mart? Too far.  Target?  Ah-hah, maybe. 

The couple also decides they are buying something.  I slump a bit further.  I now have 15 minutes to get to the domino purchase and back to my car and get to the school by 3:30.  Sigh.  They are finally done.  She finally actually catches my eye and says, “Sorry!” I say, “no problem” because I know, it’s not technically their fault.  I think it’s me sometimes; I swear I cause lines to      s     l    o    w   d   o    w     n until time has no meaning.

I pay and jog to the car, still wondering where to go for dominoes.  I decide to actually CALL Target and ask them.  This turns out to be somewhat complicated to do while driving and being 2 stop lights away from the actual stop light for Target, where I will have to either decide to pull in and walk into the actual store to find out, or get past the recording with “Thanks for calling Target.  Our store hours are blah blah blah” etc., to a person who I can ask about “Hello? Yes! I’m almost to your storeandIneedtoknowifyouhavedominoesbeforeIhavetoturninatthelight.” I’m thinking hurry hurry hurry, please WILL YOU HURRY UP? I’m almost THERE!

The lady who answered puts me on hold twice, saying they are finding out if they carry dominoes.  I’m getting closer; I’m only one light away.  Turn in? or keep driving to Wal-Mart?  Tension!  I slow down a little to catch a red light (who does that? Lol) and buy some time.  She comes back and transfers me to Toys, where Jenny answers. 

Thank goodness for Jenny!  She says they carry them.  I’m at the light.  Do they HAVE them? She is going to look.  I’m turning into the parking lot as she says they DO have them.  I tell her I have to be AT the school in 15 minutes, what part of the store are the dominoes in?  She says, of course, the farthest back corner from the door.  On the wall, in the corner.  Of course she does.  But Jenny is awesome, and she says she has them in her hand, and she will come meet me up front with them.  I am so grateful! I’m in 3” heels and I don’t think I can run that distance and back to my car in 4 minutes.  I want to adopt her.

I walk in and see a girl just inside the doors, waving like one of those folks at the airport waiting for their party…”Dominoes?”  “YES! I love you! You are my new best friend!”  She also walks me right to the customer service desk where I immediately hand the guy $4.00, and I am heading for my car in less than 1 minute.  I think I’ll buy some Target stock if the market ever comes back…and one for Jenny, too.

I race to the school and get there with just minutes to spare.  I am so proud that I got all my errands run; I have Saved The Day.  I feel like one of those soccer moms who run errands and have kid stuff all organized and projects completed on time, every time, without any excuses like ”this-will-have-to-work-because-i-don’t-have-time-to-make-one-more-stop-for balloons, toothpicks, spraypaint, duct tape, and a goat hide (you need WHAT?) for the project tonight.”  Super. Mom.  Yep, I got your 30 dominoes.

The girls come out, and my daughter asks if I remembered the dominoes.  Like she’s really hoping I did NOT forget (she does not want to live in a van down by the river).  I smile and hand them to her.  Of COURSE I totally got the dominoes.  She’s getting a ride with her friend and her friend’s mom, so the other mom comes over to touch base with me about the project.  She sees me handing them to my daughter and says,

Ready?

“Oh, I already got some dominoes. You don’t need those.” 

I know, right? 

By the way, the box I got only had 28 dominoes.  /:{