Staring at the Ceiling

That's what I'm doing today.

Somewhere in our packing/loading/unloading for camp over Memorial Day (see camping posts here and here and here), I felt like I *might have* strained my back.  Until three days ago, I was still gardening and planting the vegetables, and thinking damn, my back is kind of sore.  Two days ago I took the time to look down at my belly button, which somehow was aligned more with my foot than my chin, which means my usual low back slippage has occurred.

Usually my x-rays look like this, only worse...(image from google--not my actual back)

I tried the hot tub.  I almost moved into the hot tub, I was out there so much, but it didn't help, other than feeling great because water.  I tried Motrin, but even at 800 mg, it didn't help either.  I tried different positions, but nothing relieved it.

By yesterday morning I was in close to the most severe discomfort (barring childbirth) that I've ever been in, so I called my chiropractor.  He is, of course, out of town, so I went to the doctor filling in for him, who is this awesome semi-retired chiropractor who you'd wish was your dad or at least your father-in-law, and I always end up visiting with him forever about gardens and real life stuff.  I love him.  Unfortunately I can't switch doctors, because of the loyalty code with physicians, which means that if they steal take a patient from each other, they are branded with a red letter T on their forehead and forced to walk barefoot through -- no, wait...  Anyway, he wouldn't let me switch.

So, I got out of the hot tub long enough to drive in yesterday, and he did some painful  helpful testing, and told me that yes, my low back is in its usual S-configuration, shifted over to the right, so I look like a grumpy sidewinder.  But the aching down my leg is also pointing to a pinched femoral nerve, so that's new.

Yay, new areas to hurt

I love when people cheerfully try to help, and they're all,"Just think of something else to take your mind off the pain".  When there's this much discomfort, there ISN'T ANYTHING ELSE. *scowls*  You know what would help me forget the pain? Slapping that chipper helpful smile off your face.

Ok, that was uncalled for, but damn.  If you aren't in pain, you can at least be quiet.  And I don't want to hear how "more sit-ups" would help, either.  Just-- be quiet.

Long story short, he adjusted my back and did some pressure point stuff and used an ultrasonic heat thing that I wanted to sneak in after hours and steal from him, and told me "Try to stand or lie down as much as possible.  No lifting, bending, or sitting."  Which is pretty much what I do all day--sit, lift, bend.  So I spent yesterday and today, pretty much lying on my back on the couch watching The White Queen (on Starz.com) episodes and trying to finish a cup of coffee without having to reheat it 50,000 times.  I'm still really sore, but it's bearable, so I guess I should get up and pretend to do some laundry...

It's kind of amazing how boring it can get, when you *have* to lie around, rather than when you are just being all couch potato-y for a day.  I'm typing this while lying down, and it turns out, it's not as easy as it sounds...

At least I'm not missing anything in the garden, because it's cold and rainy out, which it always is in June.  What the heck.  WHY do we live where summer is just July and August??? 

meh

Sorry to ramble, this isn't even that interesting...but it gave me something to do, so thanks for listening.

Great. MORE THINGS to Cut Out of My Diet

I'm getting ready to go see a hormonal specialist doctor in the near future, because here's the situation.

Aside from the fact that I've been unsuccessfully fighting the same 30 pounds for about 10 years, I've been repeatedly told I "should get my thyroid checked", and I have like 9 of the 10 symptoms of hypothyroidism.

I have ranted about this before, but it's not helping, so here I go again.  I'm getting really tired of this.  I'm not used to losing the fights I fight.  When I set my mind to something, I ALWAYS accomplish it, so why the heck is this not working?  And, how does my weight continues to go UP?

maybe I'll just TAPE THIS OVER MY MOUTH

My weight problems started after taking the diet craze pill called Metabolife (the original, really bad for you formula) way back in the mid-late 1990s, when I didn't actually HAVE a weight problem.  So, I'm not even sure why I tried it, because at that time, I had always maintained the same weight.  I bounced back easily after two pregnancies (where I gained 48 and 54 pounds respectively).  I liked my body then.  It was beautiful and curvy at a healthy 128-135 pounds.  It actually stopped traffic once in a terrific dress that I'll always keep as a reminder, though in those days, I always thought it could be better.  Just...why.

Back then, I could eat anything I wanted, within reason, and my weight would maintain.  Gain a few pounds, oops...cut back here and there over a few days and tah-dah--back where I need to be.  I never worked out.  I never dieted.  There's no history of obesity in our family, and don't give me that "well...it's just our AGE" crap.  This is not normal.

Fast forward to about 2004, when a year had gone by where we didn't have a scale.  I went in for a physical (that was also...ahem..my last physical, but I digress), and found I'd gained 20 pounds.  I about FELL OFF the scale.

No.  That can't be possible, doc.  Move that slide-y thing back.  Back.  BaaaaaaccccckkkkKK.

aaaiiiieeeeeeee  

Let me try it with my shoes off??

So, I bought a scale and decided to get a handle on whatever had happened to my body.

The End.

No THAT IS NOT THE END BECAUSE WHY WOULD IT BE THAT EASY?

Ever since then, I have fought my weight.  I've cut various things out of my diet.  I have swum laps for hours and gone to the gym (ok, yes, sporadically, but as often as 6 days a week without weight loss...really???  That'll make you DEFINITELY QUIT GOING TO THE GYM ).  I bought an exercise bike and rode it to the moon and back, with no result.  Did Pilates.  Jumping jacks.  Run up the stairs and back down.  I have taken herbal supplements and multivitamins.  Tried to be like my Mom--read Back to Eden and stocked up on vegetarian cookbooks.  I have counted calories and done online help-me-lose-weight apps. I have been drinking hot water with lemon and honey in the morning forEVER.  I tried acai berry and apple cider vinegar.  I have cut processed foods, fast foods, GMO's, coffee, and all my beloved carbs.  I never eat any of the desserts I bake (if I bake at all anymore). I have gone on a more or less plant-based, whole-food diet, all organic.  Heck, I hardly ever even eat HOT food any more...Raw cucumbers or fruit again? YES because who doesn't love raw cucumbers every damn day?  We sort of tried to go a little bit vegan.  I work outside in the garden in the summer, EVERY DAY FOR 1-4 HOURS A DAY.  EVERY DAY.

EVERY.  DAY.

Did I mention, every day?

I keep gaining weight.

What. The. Hell.

Oh sure, I'll lose a few pounds here and there, but as soon as I let up the relentless pressure of eating almost nothing and cutting out ALL THINGS THAT I LOVE, my weight floats up just as relentlessly.

Here's my life in a nutshell:  (yes...apparently I *can* have nuts, hahaHAHAAA  *weeps*)

Consume more than 1200-1500 calories in a day? = weight gain.

Any wheat products (even whole grain)? = weight gain (like 7 pounds in 3 days on vacation!! what the actual?)

Any processed carbs, even brown rice flour pasta or gluten-free vegan bagels? = weight gain.

Coffee with cream and sugar in the morning? = weight gain.

Other random things that aren't helping:

Alcohol.  Sugar.  Dairy (noooo, don't take my cheese and yogurt.  It's my last joy).

If I limit the above three things and cut OUT the former carbs/wheat/coffee stuff...my weight will stay relatively the same, albeit 30 POUNDS HEAVIER THAN I SHOULD BE.  Oh sure, it will drift down a pound or two here and there, but if I let up for even a day...it goes right back UP and we reset the clock and start ALL OVER.

So, to maintain, here's what I CAN have, based on my totally nonprofessional findings:

FRUIT
VEGETABLES
MEAT
WATER

Yeah.  This is AWESOME.

I know, it LOOKS pretty.  But it's not that cool when it's ALL YOU CAN EAT.

*scowls*

So.  I'm getting started with some labwork as soon as possible, as well as the long-overdue physical, also partly because "you're not getting any younger" is one of the recurring themes when I can't sleep and my brain starts reminding me of cool stuff to not forget about at 2:45 a.m., or lists I should be making.

Part of me hopes it will turn out be something like my thyroid, and not that I have just epically failed at something that should NOT be impossible.  The other part of me will be really pissed if I've just wasted 10 years being 30 pounds overweight because of a hormone imbalance.


Sorry to go OFF, but I'm just so really totally sick of busting my butt (apparently *not enough*), eating nothing I enjoy, and getting on the scale to see the number has gone...UP.   again.

*sigh*


Somebody tell me I'm not a fat, epic failure today...I really need it.

How's That New Healthy-Food Kick Going?

Pretty good.  Thanks for asking.

So...The whole eating-healthier-because-we-want-to-live thing is still going on here.  I am pretty much buying only fruits and vegetables right now, in the hope that IF YOU'RE HUNGRY ENOUGH, YOU WILL EAT THEM AND NOT CALL DOMINO'S AT 10 PM BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING IN THE FRIDGE BUT BROCCOLI, NOT EVEN A PIECE OF CHEESE.   Right??

I also stopped drinking coffee (again) a few days ago.

Actually, I didn't.  But we appear to be out of creamer AND cream right now, and coffee for me doesn't exist without some form of cream.  Not milk, either.  That is not the same, so don't be all throwing that out there.  Plus, we're out of milk, or I'm not buying it because it's bad for Shane's cholesterol or something.

That's the best way I know how to diet.  Just quit having that stuff in the fridge, and tah-dah...you can't eat it.  Problem solved.

Today I did make coffee for him, and I stood at the fridge for quite awhile wondering what I could put in a cup for me.  Greek yogurt? Nah, too much honey.  Sour cream?  Maybe.  Bleu cheese dressing?  Come on, it's 8:30 a.m...  Then I found Redi-Whip, another thing I buy about once a decade, so I put that in it.

Don't judge.  I'm having raw cauliflower and almonds for lunch.

Yep. It's all about health around here.

Plant-Based, Whole Foods, Blah, Blah--Yeahright. An Update-

In a nutshell, here's my life.  Every day:

EAT THIS!

NOT THIS.  NOT THIS!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!?  NOT THIS!  See the grapes? Eat those.

OR THIS EITHER, YOU IDIOT.  Just stop it.  Leave the kitchen.

I need to superglue these to my refrigerator door and possibly the cabinets, the sink, and the bathroom mirror.

You may know that we are trying to merge over to a healthier way of eating, because I KNOW it's the better choice.  Not strictly vegan or vegetarian but a definite shift away from processed foods, sugar, meat, and dairy.  And everything else we love.  (I'm an almost-famous ex-pastry chef, for crying out loud!)  But God BLESS IT, it's been a total pain to have the willpower (and the constant supply of vegetables on hand) to make it happen.  

For example.  I wake up every day thinking, yeah, today I will ROCK THIS NEW DIET.  I will work out for like an HOUR, minimum, with cardio and weights and core training.  I got this.  I will be SO buff by my birthday (Easter/Mother's Day/beach weather/back to school/Christmas/New Year's, definitely by the end of the year. Seriously) this year.  I mean it.  Totally I will become a work-out and fitness fanATic.  Pretty much, starting today.  Or possibly tomorrow, because today's half over...

Then my eat-what-sounds-good habit/life kicks in, and so far today I've had:

--A cup of hot chocolate.  (okaaaay.  I do that every day, so that's a given)

--Half a banana.  (OMG girl, you are such a diet freak)

--A hot turkey and provalone panini (What? OK, OK!! But it WAS on homemade 100% wholewheat bread...with Best Foods slathered all over it...Grade: C- for lunch choice)

--Coffee with nondairy creamer (I don't even DRINK coffee any more.  What the heck??)

*frowns angrily out the window*

Add more veggies to grocery list.  Check.

Yeah.  So far I'm FREAKING AWESOME at this.  I have lost (and gained and lost and gained) the same 5 pounds like 3 times since we started.  The word "plateau" sounds more like a curse, right now.  I have been "at a plateau" FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS.  I don't need more advice about THAT, and I sure can't reduce my calories any further.  I could work out more, but the idea of seriously working out for an hour, every day, makes me super cranky and frowny and mad at the 28-year-old me who thought she was fat 25 pounds ago.  I want to go back and slap her.

There's hope, though.  I could still have a smoothie for a snack and curried cauliflower with spinach salad for dinner.  Because, yes, that sounds so yummy (that's sarcasm, guys).  But, we're out of yogurt. And spinach.  Aaaand, there's a whole pork roast with cheesy mashed potato leftovers in the fridge from last night, so tonight is probably shot.  (It was SUNday.  Come ON).

Well, at least I'm totally wearing a sports bra right now.  Just in case I actually go upstairs and get on our exercise bike...because I'm prepared like that.

Gahhh.  Wish me luck.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

I keep trying to leave our cabinets and fridge devoid of any other choices, but it's sure not an overnight transition, let me tell you!  Because when you're craving carbs and dairy...carrots and tofu just do not do it.  

No. They. Don't.

Anyone else having trouble making a switch to a healthier diet, I'd love to hear from you. 

I'm Turning into My Mom. Only With Less Wheat Germ

If you read the prior post, you know that we are trying to incorporate more of a whole foods and plant-based diet approach to our life.  No, we aren't going all full vegetarian or strict vegan or anything.  Which is good, because since writing that, we've still had some form of meat on the table pretty much every.single.night, BUT AT LEAST THERE ARE LOTS OF VEGETABLES on the plates too, right?  And when I say "meat", I mean our own, homegrown, organic pork and beef, raised by us and our family at home, so it's not all processed, store bought stuff.  And I can't not cook it, because 1) that'd be wasteful, and 2) we love meat.

This might be harder than I thought...but any improvement is a step in the right direction.  I will say there's probably no way stroganoff or meatloaf are coming off the menu.  Just sayin'.

Plus, we have this amazing garden, so it's not like it's a stretch to eat tons of fresh, organic produce as often as we can, (sometimes by the wheelbarrow load)...I just need some more creative ways to make vegetables more of a "main dish" rather than a side dish (no offense, Martha, but I'm branching out).

After a point, you just GIVE UP on the weeds...

The other side of the walkway, mid-August

I did actually order the Forks Over Knives cookbook, which should be here tomorrow, but we went to Barnes and Noble the other night in a blizzard because--BOOKS you guys! OMG, booooookkkks!  (My e-reader is awesome, but--I love real books.)  So of course I bought two history books ("The Plantagenets" and "Queens Consorts"--my favorite history-geek topics), and an absolutely visually stunning hardback cookbook called "Vegeterranean" (Italian vegetarian cooking), which is amazing and lovely to look through; I can't wait to cook from it.  And I love that it doesn't require a bunch of hard-to-find ingredients that I will never buy, let alone eat.

The best thing  I found, though, is "Back to Eden".  This is super cool, because just the other day, after writing a whole memory of my childhood where my mom spent a year trying really hard to make us be vegetarians (which didn't work), I remembered that she always had this book called "Back to Eden".  And then...there it was, right there on the shelf at Barnes and Noble.  Of course I grabbed it.  Reading it feels like coming home.  No wonder we never went to a doctor...

My birthday, with my dad, my aunt, mom, and my uncle, mid-70s.  Not sure why there are two cakes?  Or what is hanging from the ceiling...

I may have frowned a lot at her food choices for us as kids (all those lunches of home-made whole wheat sandwiches, cookies full of nuts, and garbanzo beans in the meatloaf), but the older I get, the more I believe:  Moms really do know best.  Especially now that I'm a mom.  (Right, kids??      Kids?)

A New Direction...but not Fanatically

Nothing huge.  We are just deciding to adhere to a more whole foods, plant-based diet, starting now.

I can't quite get my mouth to say the word "vegan", because I'll never be a true vegan in the sense of "I don't consume anysinglethingthatevercame from an animal.  I love a great steak.  I love chicken.  I love bacon.  Cheese.  Butter.  Eggs.  (Not giving up cheese or eggs--and I'm not apologizing for that either.  Fight the fights you can win, people.)

We have always gardened and tried to raise as much of our own food as possible, and we have been gradually phasing out the additive-full, processed products from our pantry and fridge, because we know it's the healthy thing to do...as hard as it is!  Whole wheat bread, raw honey, lots of fresh veggies, etc.  But it's time to commit to it more strongly, for our health.

So.

I just bought a vegetarian/vegan cookbook, and our family is going to take the next step towards greatly limiting our meat and dairy consumption, for our health.  Gradually, though.

I'll never be one of those all militant vegetarians who announces to everyone, everywhere, within the first few minutes of meeting someone, that "I'm a vegetarian.  I don't eat animal products.  Did I mention I'm vegan?" Everyone just wants to slap them (*hint hint* vegans...), but I love my family, and if this will help us live longer and avoid heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and the high cholesterol that runs in our family, then so be it.

Pray for us. We have a freezer full of COW and two pigs, right now...and we are a "meat and taters" kind of family, even if they are organically grown, so even though it's the right health choice, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that oh sure, I can learn to love kale...

Ummm.    Ok

I'll keep you posted.