Monday, April 14, 2014

NO Name-Dropping in Restaurants and Other Things I Shouldn't Have To Tell You

Like This.  Only WAY less interesting.
First rule of thumb:  If you go to a restaurant and like to name-drop and talk LOUDLY OVER EVERYONE about yourself, your income, your cars, your vacations, your kids, etc., etc., puh-leese, don't be surprised at all if everyone in the room seems to hate you.  We are not impressed.  We don't wish we were you.  You are just making yourself look like an insufferable jerk.

If you see this look, it isn't envy.  Stop kidding yourself.
We don't go out for dinner much any more, but every once in awhile, we'll just...go.  One of my very favorite places around is this tiny Greek/Mediterranean place that serves my Favorite Dish in the Whole World Ever:  chicken ravioli--which is actually cheese ravioli surrounded by a cream sauce that makes you melt, floating with chunks of soft chicken and feta cheese and Parmesan flakes.  And bread to dip in the sauce.  Heaven.

UNfortunately for us, it is also kind of a hip hot spot for the Who's Who in our area to gather and NAME DROP VERY LOUDLY OVER DRINKS, because it's a martini bar, too, and apparently martinis don't mix well with the concept of CAN YOU PLEASE NOT TALK SO LOUD THAT EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE TINY ROOM HAS TO HEAR EVERY NAME-DROPPING RICHY-RICH WORD YOU SAY?????

So...a lot of the diners are dates and business dinners and girls-night-out type stuff, which is fine (except for the ubiquitous table of three divorcees laughing way too loud over their wine glasses).  When you throw in a bunch of martini-swilling local Main Streeters, in a room the size of most people's bedroom, elbow-to-elbow, it can get a little claustrophobic and irritating, like having a sliver in your shoe, but you CAN'T stop and take it out.  Sometimes I just order the dish to go and bring it home to enjoy it in peace and quiet.

But--we went the other night, as a treat.  We were seated in a corner, next to a table of four business-y types in probably their late 40s.  There is always music there in the background, but it's never nearly loud enough, so you basically get to listen to whoever's at the next table TALKING VERY LOUDLY OVER DRINKS.  It was super annoying, and since we couldn't hear our own conversation over the sound of theirs, we turned it into a game, where we sort of joined their conversation from our table, sotto voce.  It didn't help that the woman sitting closest to us, who did most of the REALLY LOUD NAME DROPPING, also had just about the most cringeworthy, whiny, nasally voice, possibly in the history of the whole world EVER.

This all seriously happened, right next to my elbow:

Me:  So, I talked to my brother the other night.

Shane:  Oh...(distracted by 100-decibel conversation of people at next table).

Loud Woman Neighbor #1:  ...So, yes, our ESCALADE IS PAID FOR.

Loud Man Neighbor #2:  ..but what we NEED is a Corvette paid for.  Haha.  You know.  Because we need it, right?

Loud Woman Neighbor #2:  Oh, I know.  Our Z is paid for...

Loud Man Neighbor #2:  Don't forget the Lexus is also paid for.

LWN#2:  Oh, RIGHHHT.  The Lexus is paid for too.

LMN#1:  But we need a Corvette.

Shane:  When's he coming to visit?

Me:  Umm, what?  Oh.  June.

more conversation drifts over, talking about their savings...

LWN#1:  We're thinking 5 MILLION is enough, for our golden years...

LWN#2:  Oh girl, your "golden years"?? You guys aren't that old.

LWN#1:  I know, but we have to have something set aside.

LMN#2:  Yes, but 5 million?  I guess that would be enough, if it was earning interest...

LWN#1:  It's easy to have that much, because we make SO MUCH MONEY right now--we are practically using hundreds as firestarters.  (Ok, I added that part.  Don't judge.)

Shane:  What date in June?

Me:  The--

LWN#1:  YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS?  EUROPE.  And ROME.  We have GOT to get back over there.

LMN#2:  I KNOW.  Last time we were in GERMANY, they had this blah blah.

LWN#2:  I want to do another cruise.  You know, and I miss France right now, too.  Why don't we all do a cruise?

Me:  I think the 3rd of June...

Shane:  What's the 3rd of June?    What is with these people?? I can't hear myself think.

Their conversation is now about college...

LWN#1:  ...We give our son a $5,500.00 allowance during college.  FIFTY-FIVE HUNDRED.

LMN#2:  Per year?

LWN#1:  No, dear, per SEMESTER.  FIFTY-FIVE hundred.  And our daughter's at blah blah, doing blah blah.

Me:  My brother's coming. And graduation is the 8th.

Shane:  --

Waiter to Neighbors:  Is everyone ready for dessert?

We were like NO, they are NOT!  For the love of God, no dessert!!!  But was LWN#1's birthday.  So, of course, lots of applause, waiter fawning, more general loudness.

Us to ourselves:  (Oh, we're sorry.  We're just sitting right here next to you, trying to enjoy a date night and eat our dinner).

Waiter to Them:  Would you all like some more wine?

Them:  Actually, we need a round of your best COGNAC for her birthday.  And please bring EVERY DESSERT IN THE PLACE AND SOME MORE ALCOHOL BECAUSE WE NEED TO BE LOUDER IN THIS 10 X 20' ROOM.

Us:  Oh. My. Gosh.  Seriously?!?

Their conversation morphed over to a 20-minute monologue on SAMSUNG products.  Samsung phones, Samsung printers.  Samsung the company.  Samsung versus Hewlett-Packard.  Samsung's stock values.  Samsung, Samsung, SAMSUNG.  

Us:  We're out.  Can we get a box for this?

We did mess with them a little, from our table two feet away, since we couldn't have a conversation with each other.  I think they probably totally thought we were having way too much fun, judging by how much we were giggling...We pretended we were *almost* part of their group; so throughout their whole conversation, we'd interject comments that only we could hear:

Shane:  I KNOW.  We need a Corvette paid for too.  Lexus is such a boring ride.

Me:  And I think 5 million isn't nearly enough, but *sniff* if that's all you can do--you gotta start somewhere.

Shane:  We really should plan a trip to France.  AND take a cruise, too.

Me:  We could cruise to France.  Maybe they can hook us up.

Shane:  And that poor KID.  $5,500 per semester?  The nerve.

Me:  I know.  Our kids will totally have unlimited allowances at college.  Cheapskates.

Shane:  At least we'll know where to find them some SAMSUNG products.

Waiter:  Can I get you two another round?

Me:  *giggling uncontrollably while holding up one finger*  Yes.  Yes, I think so, please.

So--after all--it turned out to be a pretty fun night.  And we got a TON of food to bring home...

I can't tell you how many times I actually almost asked them to please shut UP.  One more key lime martini, and I probably would have...

Reaction GIF: shut up, despair, Megan Mullally, Karen Walker, Will & Grace
Shut. Up.

Had to get that off my chest...


  1. Oh yes, I know these people. I give these people long hateful stares.

  2. I would have, but I think they'd have taken it to mean: OMG. I WISH I WERE YOU.

    So. Irritating.

    I always pick the onions out of my dish there. I should have *accidentally* flipped some their way.

  3. died laughing reading this! What idiots. Some people have no self-awareness, right? GAH.

    1. Yep. I'm amazed that anyone thinks the rest of the room is impressed by being forced to *overhear* these kinds of conversations.

      Or maybe they've had so much to drink that they seriously can't hear themselves...

  4. See? Now I LOVE these conversations. I love them. I will comment on them as they the Howard Cosell of pretentious douchewad conversations.

    Randy is no fun though..he just says...Shhhh...don't say that. Stop it.

    1. Yep! We ended up just commenting on their topics, throughout their conversation. Shane's braver than me, so he will say stuff that's hilarious, which they could have heard if they'd been listening, but they were too busy listening to themselves talk.

      Since we couldn't carry on a meaningful seemed only fair to join theirs, lol. ;)

      Seriously, at one point I *almost* asked to be moved to another table. It was that bad.

  5. I laughed so hard through this one Stef! I was in Starbucks last tuesday as I am also sitting here this morning, trying to do homework and I had to put in my headphones and listen to music on my phone just to drown out the idiot who was apparently using our local Starbucks as his private office. He kept taking (or making?) phone calls, loudly, about "business" matters, and acquisitions and mergers and money and what made it horrible and almost unbearable, was that he would get up and PACE AROUND THE COFFEE SHOP!!! all while talking all about his personal biz for all the place to hear! GEEZ! Good one Stef, good one! Tell Shane I will join right in with you guys next time if I ever get to be a part of your funny night out!!! :)

    1. Pacing AROUND?!? Are you kidding!!?

      I'd have been tempted to grab his phone and start rambling to whoever was on the other end about how "This is his MOTHER. He has GO now...he hasn't cleaned his room," or something.

      Or kick his foot as he walked by, and make him fall down.

      You guys totally should go with us sometime :)

  6. Yeah, pacing and talking loudly in the coffee shop deserves a tripping. This is why I love diners for breakfast . Diners are the great equaliser. The food isn't quite as elegant, however. That ravioli dish sounds delish!

    1. It is SO lovely. It makes even people like these, tolerable.

      Diners are awesome, though. Full of old-school old-timers having real homefries with their coffee, where the waitresses know them by name. :D

  7. I once leaped, panther-like, over a row of movie theater seats to threaten a man who LOUDLY crunched on a giant bag of popcorn that he BROUGHT to the theater through the WHOLE movie, so I totally understand!

    1. He brought his own popcorn?? Whoa...

      I find that an annonymous and well-timed occasional Junior Mint to the back of the head helps with those types. ;)

  8. First read this about an hour or two ago, and am still laughing. We've had that experience, as well...and you nailed the experience perfectly! Don't you wish you could push them off their chairs as you walked out?

    1. Aww, I'm so glad I made you laugh! Thanks! :D

      And,'s such a small room...I could have TOTALLY banged into them on my way out and it would have been believable. I mean, the chairs at opposite tables touch each other, when you scooch them out.

      It'd have been fun to just drag the whole bag of to-go boxes of food across her head on my way by. "OH. I'm SO sorry."


  9. You handled it pretty much how I always do. Never under-estimate the power of mocking to make a bad situation better. Plus, you have to look on the bright side -- it's assholes like this that give us stuff to blog about :)

    1. Yep. We sat there sort of in awe that we couldn't even hold a conversation over these people's voices...and I was like, "Oh, YES. I am SO TOTALLY blogging about this." ;)