Housekeeping, and Other Health Hazards

Ever have one of those days where you're just doing a random chore at home, and one thing goes wrong, which leads to another, and then suddenly you're contemplating the meaning of life and wondering if your will is up to date?

Here's how today went, over here... Via text convo with our oldest at some point this afternoon:

Am I the only one who can start with sweeping and end up with a freshly scrubbed kitchen, a bandaged hand, and shopping online for a new olive oil dispenser?  That glass was SO sharp, and it definitely seemed like a bad time to... not have secure footing.  

Suddenly I was hearing that old Blondie song in my head ONE DAY. OR THE OTHER.  I'M GONNA GET YA.  I'M GONNA GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA, ONE DAY - 

(Also huge wail about the fact that I've had that beautiful oil bottle for like 20 YEARS). 

*facepalm*

So, I'm an Onion. Or an Artichoke

I always love the random text conversations we have around here.  This was from last night, when my husband and our youngest were out birthday shopping for me.
---------

Her:  home in 15 minutes.  what time were you born?

Me:  12:20 a.m.

Her:  Dad says that's not the right time.  lol

Me.  I'm like an onion

Her:  Because you make everybody cry?

Me:  That.  And you just keep finding layers of stuff you DON'T KNOW

Her:  Hahaha this is true

Me:  Mostly the crying tho.

Me:  If I had a nickel for every time I made someone cry, we'd all be so rich...

Her:  Dad says you're more like an artichoke because that's nicer and people like those.

I love that man.

More Stuff Overheard Around Here Lately

We laugh a lot at our house, and sometimes I will jot down what made me laugh.  Plus, it gives me something to share when I have no news, (other than I finished knitting one sweater and started another one.  Yay, me).  Because I'm a giver, you guys.  YOU'RE WELCOME.

Here are a few (more) things overheard at my house recently:

1.  My brother-in-law describing a gold dredge, after an unsuccessful weekend spent turning over rocks in an icy creek in the mountains: "It's not a dredge.  It's called The Trough of Disappointment."

2.  My college daughter's roommate, describing the in-house food at the university: "This soup...it tastes like my nightmares."

3.  Our youngest, when describing some really loud coyotes one night that woke us both up because they sounded odd.  "I heard them, but I was dreaming and thought they were special-needs coyotes."

4.  Youngest to oldest, while watching a close-up shot of Russell Crowe in a movie:  "AYY YO GONNA RECYCLE THOSE BAGS UNDER YA EYES?"  (no offense, Russell).

5.  Annnnddd...a text from my youngest to my oldest when they were upstairs one night:

Awww.  Now give each other a hug.

And...We're Back, with Things I Overhear Around the House

My teenagers share my odd sense of humor, plus a whole different one of their own, so, a lot of times they'll be laughing their heads off and I don't get it.  But still.

Here are a few things I have randomly heard around here lately, in no particular order.

Youngest:  If I licked a penny, I could tell you what state it's from.

Oldest:  I just sprayed myself with Febreze so I'd smell better.  I think I've hit a new low.

Youngest (to Oldest):  If you were a spice...you'd be onion powder.

Oldest:  Dude.  It's weird to think about things you don't normally...think about.

Oldest to Youngest (who is staring into the fridge):  Whatcha lookin' for?     Youngest:  Love.

Youngest (about extreme close-up of a famous actor on a movie):  Ayy, yo gonna recycle those bags under ya eyes?

Or one of my favorites--this text conversation:

I'm No Hollaback Mom, I Guess

I love my texts with my oldest daughter.

She was on her way back from checking out her future university and town yesterday, when I asked her how it went:

Guess I can put my pom poms down now.

Auto-Text-Correct Fail

Conversation with my brother last Saturday, when I'd been driving since 7 a.m., had been home 5 times for 45 minutes at a time, and was on my 5th trip out of the house in 5-degree weather.   I had my hands full and was overheating waiting at the mall for one of the kids, bundled up for the cold, when my phone went off.
_____

Jesse:  Hey it's your long-lost brother.  I need to get a Christmas list for you guys if you have time.

Me:  Oh Lord.  I'm at the mall in a coat and sewage, too hot! and it's 2 degrees outside.  gahhh

Me:  Not sewage. 

Me:  Sweater.  I'm in  SWEATER.  !#^&$

Jesse:  Nice auto text. 

Me:  I've been driving all day and won't be home for awhile.  Can I call you when I'm home.  and not in  A SWEATER.

Jesse:  Sweet.


Sewage???  from "sweater" ?  What the actual heck, autocorrect?

Someone Stole Our "Hose"

A few years ago, I had to make strawberry margarita cupcakes at the bakery, which have Jose Cuervo tequila IN the recipe, brushed straight ON them while they're warm, and mixed in the icing (they were AWEsome, by the way).  I'd never had tequila, but I realized that I liked it, so I brought home the bottle, because it was still 3/4 full.  May as well not waste it…

For reference sake, I will stress here that my husband and I differ on the correct pronunciation of the name Jose.  He pronounces it "HO-zay", and I pronounce it "Ho-ZAY".  Dialect stuff; I'm from the Montana/Idaho border; he's from the North Bench (at least 20 miles away).

Anyhow, this is a text convo I had with him while I was at work, involving the Cuervo in print only, so bear in mind no one was actually drinking any of it at the time this conversation happened.   Love autocorrect.

Also bear in mind that, at the time, we actually did have a nice contractor-grade, heavy-duty hose attached to our irrigation system, out by our driveway, about 15' off the main road, so it's an understandable mistake.

Shane:  Someone stole our hose.

Me:  What?

Shane:  Yeah, it's just gone.

Me:  WhAT?!?

Shane:  The hose is missing.

I'm thinking: wth?? Some jerk actually got out of his car, walked onto our property, and took our stupid HOSE??

Me:  You have GOT to be kidding.

Shane:  Nope.  It was right where we left it, and now it's not.  Where is it?

Me:  How should I know? It should still be right there.  Are you saying someone just walked onto our property and took our hose?

Shane:  Well, I didn't take it.  It was on the door.

Me:  ?

Shane:  Door.

Me:  I don't know what the door has to do with it; it WAS outside.  I can't believe someone would steal our hose!!! Losers!

Shane:  Are you drinking? Why would it be outside?  I mean the HOSE.  I was going to make a drink, and there's none here.

Me:  What? No, I'm at work.  Why do you need a hose? Just use the faucet.

Shane:  You're totally drinking, aren't you?

Me:  Of course not, you're the one who's not making sense.  Did someone steal our nice hose, from out by the driveway, that we wash the car with??  I feel violated!

Shane:  No, what are you talking about.  HOSE.  Cuervo.  

Me:  OHhhhh you mean the tequila?! It's in the cabinet with the cooking stuff.   Jose. Cuervo.

Shane:  Wow.

 

 

Helpful Mom Text

Actual text conversation from my youngest, on her last day of school.  I think they had the usual terrible things like a pizza party and a scavenger hunt planned...


Her: "I don't wanna beeeee heeeeerrrreee".

Me: "Enjoy the day...it's almost over; and then you can weed with me."

Her: "oh great"

Me: "Yeah. You're welcome."

Sometimes you just have to, you know, encourage them. *muffled laughter in background*