Omg you guys.
I am literally the queen of saying awkward things today...
I won't go into too much detail, but I spent this last weekend out of town, so I have spent all day today answering the zillion emails and voicemails for our business, scheduling people, rescheduling people, etc.
I returned a call to a new customer a little while ago, and set him up with an order. He decided that instead of having firewood delivered (by us), he would come pick it up himself. I'm always very professional on the phone, but of course, I'm also pretty casual in general, so you never know what I might say. Apparently.
Here's how it went down:
Him: Can I just come pick up the firewood myself?
Me: Sure! You also save $15.00 per load when you pick up, but bear in mind that you are loading it yourself, so it's up to you...save money and do more work, or spend more and save some time.
Him: Sounds good. I'm all about saving money. I'll pick it up.
Me: And, you can use the $15.00 to buy some gloves (for all the wood-stacking). I should have stopped HERE.
Him: Ok. Wait...do I have to buy gloves, or can I just... (he's kidding)
Me: (here's where it gets awkward) Nope. You can totally freeball it if you want.
*claps hand over mouth*
Him: *bursts out laughing*
Me: Oh. my. god. I did NOT just say that out loud. Pretend I didn't just say that.
Him: *choking on laughter*
Me: I'm hanging up now seeyouonmondaythe17thforthatpickupthanksbyeee
*facepalm* I MEANT TO SAY "FREE STYLE. You can totally freeSTYLE if you want..."
I'm such a dork.
What's your latest faux pas? Ever say the exactly most awkward thing possible in a conversation with a stranger, or worse, a customer?
Or WORSE...the reason this guy's name rang a bell when I added him to our customer list is (wait for it), because he was Shane's BOSS about 25 years ago. Oh. my. lord.
Showing posts with label customer service bloopers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label customer service bloopers. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
More Customer Service Nightmares
As I may have mentioned before, we have a lot of awesome customers, except for the Chosen Few who feel that it is their job to occasionally call me and behave like a total (insert favorite adjective *here*).
Or, as Aussa at Aussa Lorens so succinctly put it..."throw some shade".
I had another of these lovelies call me the day before last, at 7:30 a.m. I should have known. Because my FIRST rule of phone etiquette is to never answer my business phone before 9 a.m. Never. NOT. EVER.
I have also learned that ANY call that comes through on my phone caller I.D. as "Restricted"...also do not answer those EVER. Because anyone who PAYS to have their phone number hidden is hiding something. Like the fact that they're an ass.
But I was caught off guard the other morning, namely because I thought it might be the Sheriff's office calling. Not that that's a normal thing around here, but our daughter had her smartphone stolen the night before (insert lots of cursing about thieves *here*), and I had talked a couple of times with an officer by phone. So I was thinking it was the nice sheriff guy calling at 7:30 a.m. the next morning to tell me Hey, we found your phone, because we're awesome, and here's a winning lottery ticket, too.
No. UNfortunately, it wasn't the cops. It was a customer, whose name may or may not be RICHARD. I didn't answer the phone as a business, BECAUSE IT'S AN HOUR AND A HALF TOO EARLY FOR THAT. I just said "Hello", because it's 7:30 a.m. and I'm thinking it's the cops, so I may as well just answer as myself.
This guy doesn't even pause. He jumps right in, ignoring the fact that IT IS 7:30 A.M., which is a time of day that my brain only has certain sectors functioning--namely the Take Out The Dog sector and the Is There Coffee Made Yet sector. So my ears heard this: "I ordered from you last year, and my delivered product was too short. I ordered 16" and I had stuff that was 12-13" long in there."
Me: *blank stare at my phone because no coffee yet*
Him: And I have some other questions too. I just sent an order online just now and I haven't had a response yet. Did you get my order? Did it not go through? Because I have some concerns about last year's order.
Me: *blank stare at my phone because no coffee yet*
Him: Hello?
Me: Yes. Hi. I'm not at my desk for another hour and a half, so I haven't had time to check my e-mail yet, but I will call you back after I get in, OK?
Of course my office is about 20 feet from the couch, but if I don't set some boundaries, I will have people calling me at 10 p.m. to talk about their orders, so I'm very strict about my office hours.
We hung up.
I called him back at 9 a.m., STILL thinking at this point that this is a normal customer. As in, someone who just needs to place an order, and who is also probably an early riser.
hahahaHAHAAAHAA. Oh, no, my dears. That would be too easy.
I'd try to make this shorter but...I can't. You're here, so you know that already.
He morphed into a total condescending, snide, pompous, JERK. The third (or fourth, I lost count) time that I spoke with him, Shane was actually sitting here, so he is my witness. I never lost my cool, and I was never rude to this guy, but he was one of those people who just kept pushing and pushing.
I double-checked his original order, and he had in fact ordered 14" wood, so the 12 and 13" pieces would make sense. I told him this. He disagreed, even though I have the 14" noted in three places on his account from last year.
moving on
He then also "needed to ask" me about the type of wood he got (a year ago). He's pretty sure it wasn't all the right variety. I cheerfully said I couldn't possibly know what was on that truckload, because it was a year ago, but I'll make a note to MAKE SURE that we get the species right this year. Because Shane, who can tell what kind of tree it is, by the sawdust it leaves, couldn't possibly know wood species as well as a realtor.
NEXT, he needed to to point out that our delivery fees also "aren't fair". Because he checked, and we charge $40 to come to him (he's across a state line) and yet we "deliver for free to towns in our state that are, in fact, further away" than him. I said, yes, that's right. We charge $40.00 any time we cross the state line even if you live one inch over the state line. We had to draw a line somewhere, dude.
He wouldn't let it go. He was like "So...you charge more, even though I'm closer. I understand, then, from what you're saying, that you treat your Idaho customers better than you treat your Washington customers. I see."
Me: No. We just charge a delivery fee to your state. For anyone in that state.
Him: I'd like to know why you have that policy.
He actually argued this point AT SOME LENGTH, stating repeatedly that it's unfair, because he's closer than some of the places we go for free and he doesn't "understand our policy".
He just wouldn't let it go.
Me: *wth?* We've had our delivery fees in place for twelve years, so I couldn't probably tell you why they were put in place, but I could probably have Shane call you.
Him: Yes. I'd like someone to call me and explain to me why you unfairly charge a delivery fee, when I'm not actually that far away.
Me: *gritting teeth* I will make a note of that, but the fees will still apply. *brilliant idea* You may be able to find someone closer to your location there, who could deliver for free, if you check around.
Him: Oh, I see. So, just to be clear, so I understand you, you're saying I should find someone else to buy from? Let me tell you something--
Me: No, I'm trying to help you. You could definitely save money if you look around and find someone who can deliver for free. OR you can come pick it up in Idaho and save the $40 that way (YOU TIGHTWAD).
Him: I see. Let me tell you something. When I call a business for a service, I expect to get that service. I do not expect to be told by that business to go shop somewhere else. Because that is what you're saying. Just so we're clear and I heard you right, I'm calling you to order a service, and you're telling me to find another company to do business with?
Me: (YES OH GOD PLEASE YES)
Him: And when I call for a service, I also don't expect to be told that "Shawn" will call me back.
Me: Shane.
Him: So yes, I would like "Shawn" to call me back, because--
Me: Shane.
Him: I'm hearing sarcasm now. I do not expect to hear sarcasm from a business. I want him to call me back and explain your delivery fee policies to me.
Me: His name is Shane. (you idiot, if you're going be insulting, at least get the name right). I will pass all of this info along to Shane, and he can help you from there. Good bye.
*click*
WHO does this? Seriously??? Does he think we're going to call and explain to him our decision-making process from twelve damn years ago and possibly field arguments as to why it's unfair? I could scream.
Neither of us ever raised our voice, but he was just...so calmly nasty and condescending and, I don't know...(word, word, what's the word?)...when someone keeps trying to cause a fight? Confrontational? Antagonistic. That's what it felt like. Like he was trying to upset me.
I hung up, screamed and waved my arms around at Shane for a bit, wiped my tears (because I always cry when I'm really mad, which kinds of sucks), and poured a really strong drink. Two, actually...
I haven't heard back from him. Possibly because I blocked his email, because I also know from experience with jerks like this, that they LOVE to have the last word. After a nasty phone call, they ALways sit down and compose an even nastier email, saying how unhappy they are with our service, or our company, and how they can't believe how rude I was, and how much they hate me and that I am possibly also responsible for world hunger and the Fall of Man.
If he does call back, I'm ready to explain to him, so there's no mistake, that, we aren't suggesting you shop around--we're telling you: We won't sell to you, ever.
Yesterday I spent almost all day outside in the garden with my animals, listening to the breeze and the chickens, weeding and picking berries for currant-raspberry jam. Today I have been out there again all morning, shaping the roses and enjoying the sun. And I'm going back out there now.
At least with plants and animals, you know where you stand.
PS- thanks for listening. again
Or, as Aussa at Aussa Lorens so succinctly put it..."throw some shade".
I had another of these lovelies call me the day before last, at 7:30 a.m. I should have known. Because my FIRST rule of phone etiquette is to never answer my business phone before 9 a.m. Never. NOT. EVER.
I have also learned that ANY call that comes through on my phone caller I.D. as "Restricted"...also do not answer those EVER. Because anyone who PAYS to have their phone number hidden is hiding something. Like the fact that they're an ass.
But I was caught off guard the other morning, namely because I thought it might be the Sheriff's office calling. Not that that's a normal thing around here, but our daughter had her smartphone stolen the night before (insert lots of cursing about thieves *here*), and I had talked a couple of times with an officer by phone. So I was thinking it was the nice sheriff guy calling at 7:30 a.m. the next morning to tell me Hey, we found your phone, because we're awesome, and here's a winning lottery ticket, too.
No. UNfortunately, it wasn't the cops. It was a customer, whose name may or may not be RICHARD. I didn't answer the phone as a business, BECAUSE IT'S AN HOUR AND A HALF TOO EARLY FOR THAT. I just said "Hello", because it's 7:30 a.m. and I'm thinking it's the cops, so I may as well just answer as myself.
This guy doesn't even pause. He jumps right in, ignoring the fact that IT IS 7:30 A.M., which is a time of day that my brain only has certain sectors functioning--namely the Take Out The Dog sector and the Is There Coffee Made Yet sector. So my ears heard this: "I ordered from you last year, and my delivered product was too short. I ordered 16" and I had stuff that was 12-13" long in there."
Me: *blank stare at my phone because no coffee yet*
Him: And I have some other questions too. I just sent an order online just now and I haven't had a response yet. Did you get my order? Did it not go through? Because I have some concerns about last year's order.
Me: *blank stare at my phone because no coffee yet*
Him: Hello?
Me: Yes. Hi. I'm not at my desk for another hour and a half, so I haven't had time to check my e-mail yet, but I will call you back after I get in, OK?
Of course my office is about 20 feet from the couch, but if I don't set some boundaries, I will have people calling me at 10 p.m. to talk about their orders, so I'm very strict about my office hours.
We hung up.
I called him back at 9 a.m., STILL thinking at this point that this is a normal customer. As in, someone who just needs to place an order, and who is also probably an early riser.
hahahaHAHAAAHAA. Oh, no, my dears. That would be too easy.
I'd try to make this shorter but...I can't. You're here, so you know that already.
He morphed into a total condescending, snide, pompous, JERK. The third (or fourth, I lost count) time that I spoke with him, Shane was actually sitting here, so he is my witness. I never lost my cool, and I was never rude to this guy, but he was one of those people who just kept pushing and pushing.
I double-checked his original order, and he had in fact ordered 14" wood, so the 12 and 13" pieces would make sense. I told him this. He disagreed, even though I have the 14" noted in three places on his account from last year.
moving on
He then also "needed to ask" me about the type of wood he got (a year ago). He's pretty sure it wasn't all the right variety. I cheerfully said I couldn't possibly know what was on that truckload, because it was a year ago, but I'll make a note to MAKE SURE that we get the species right this year. Because Shane, who can tell what kind of tree it is, by the sawdust it leaves, couldn't possibly know wood species as well as a realtor.
NEXT, he needed to to point out that our delivery fees also "aren't fair". Because he checked, and we charge $40 to come to him (he's across a state line) and yet we "deliver for free to towns in our state that are, in fact, further away" than him. I said, yes, that's right. We charge $40.00 any time we cross the state line even if you live one inch over the state line. We had to draw a line somewhere, dude.
He wouldn't let it go. He was like "So...you charge more, even though I'm closer. I understand, then, from what you're saying, that you treat your Idaho customers better than you treat your Washington customers. I see."
Me: No. We just charge a delivery fee to your state. For anyone in that state.
Him: I'd like to know why you have that policy.
He actually argued this point AT SOME LENGTH, stating repeatedly that it's unfair, because he's closer than some of the places we go for free and he doesn't "understand our policy".
He just wouldn't let it go.
Me: *wth?* We've had our delivery fees in place for twelve years, so I couldn't probably tell you why they were put in place, but I could probably have Shane call you.
Him: Yes. I'd like someone to call me and explain to me why you unfairly charge a delivery fee, when I'm not actually that far away.
Me: *gritting teeth* I will make a note of that, but the fees will still apply. *brilliant idea* You may be able to find someone closer to your location there, who could deliver for free, if you check around.
Him: Oh, I see. So, just to be clear, so I understand you, you're saying I should find someone else to buy from? Let me tell you something--
Me: No, I'm trying to help you. You could definitely save money if you look around and find someone who can deliver for free. OR you can come pick it up in Idaho and save the $40 that way (YOU TIGHTWAD).
Him: I see. Let me tell you something. When I call a business for a service, I expect to get that service. I do not expect to be told by that business to go shop somewhere else. Because that is what you're saying. Just so we're clear and I heard you right, I'm calling you to order a service, and you're telling me to find another company to do business with?
Me: (YES OH GOD PLEASE YES)
Him: And when I call for a service, I also don't expect to be told that "Shawn" will call me back.
Me: Shane.
Him: So yes, I would like "Shawn" to call me back, because--
Me: Shane.
Him: I'm hearing sarcasm now. I do not expect to hear sarcasm from a business. I want him to call me back and explain your delivery fee policies to me.
Me: His name is Shane. (you idiot, if you're going be insulting, at least get the name right). I will pass all of this info along to Shane, and he can help you from there. Good bye.
*click*
WHO does this? Seriously??? Does he think we're going to call and explain to him our decision-making process from twelve damn years ago and possibly field arguments as to why it's unfair? I could scream.
Neither of us ever raised our voice, but he was just...so calmly nasty and condescending and, I don't know...(word, word, what's the word?)...when someone keeps trying to cause a fight? Confrontational? Antagonistic. That's what it felt like. Like he was trying to upset me.
I hung up, screamed and waved my arms around at Shane for a bit, wiped my tears (because I always cry when I'm really mad, which kinds of sucks), and poured a really strong drink. Two, actually...
I haven't heard back from him. Possibly because I blocked his email, because I also know from experience with jerks like this, that they LOVE to have the last word. After a nasty phone call, they ALways sit down and compose an even nastier email, saying how unhappy they are with our service, or our company, and how they can't believe how rude I was, and how much they hate me and that I am possibly also responsible for world hunger and the Fall of Man.
If he does call back, I'm ready to explain to him, so there's no mistake, that, we aren't suggesting you shop around--we're telling you: We won't sell to you, ever.
 |
| unfortunately, I work BOTH desks... |
At least with plants and animals, you know where you stand.
 |
| hold my calls, I'm hanging with Bindi today |
PS- thanks for listening. again
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
How To Get What You Want As a Customer
As a business owner for about 14 years now, and having simultaneously spent about 12 of those years running a wedding cake business, I have probably heard (or been subjected to) about every kind of customer input you can imagine, good and bad. Between Shane and I, we have over 100 years' combined business experience, so you can rest assured that what follows is gospel truth.
I thought I'd jot down a
Loosely based on my experience--here goes:
---------------------
1. When making a complaint, claim the moral high ground in any conversation. You are the offended party. Don't allow anyone to imply that your complaint isn't justified. EVERY complaint is justified, especially yours, no matter how insignificant the details. Like those muddy tire tracks on your driveway after the delivery truck leaves? DEFINITELY you should make a phone call about that, and expect someone to "come do something about it." If no one answers, follow up with several voice-mails. And emails.
2. Go ahead and freely use entirely subjective complaints about consumable products, long after they've been consumed. This makes your complaint impossible to verify and leaves the business owner in a no-win situation. See below:
Exhibit A:
You: That was the dryest cake I've ever eaten! How can you call yourself a cake decorator? Everyone complained about it and my daughter's whole wedding was pretty much ruined and they're possibly getting an annulment because of your cake. Your feeble excuse that it was eaten while still freezing cold out of the refrigerator is worthless. I want a full refund right this second! And you should have to pay for our dry-cleaning and unlimited wi-fi for a YEAR.
Owner: No problem. Just bring back the uneaten portion, and we will happily refund you the difference, even though it was perfectly good and just needed to sit out at room temperature before you all bellied up to the cake table, as I clearly stated, and you signed IN INK, right on the "cake instructions" page that you took with you when you picked it UP.
You: Oh, there's no cake left. We ate it all. But we still hate you and are going to tell everyone what a terrible baker you are. And you're rude, too!
3. Don't allow us to answer or defend ourselves on the phone or through emails--we are just trying to overthrow your reign of control and condescension. You can't let that happen. If we stand up for ourselves in even the slightest way, flare up with something like, "WHAT did you just say to me?" No business owner should be allowed to take control of the situation by halting you, mid-tirade.
4. If nothing else works, and you think we might have a point, play the trump card of age. You're older than me; hence, you automatically have more wisdom. Condescendingly ask "How old are you?" Immediately age yourself 20+ years beyond me. This puts you securely back in the driver's seat.
5. Start any emails or phone calls with the phrase "You people". This is condescension at its finest and allows you to immediately assert your dominance. Spend the whole conversation talking to us as if you can't believe you're having to waste your precious time telling us how to do our jobs. Act surprised that we've survived in business as long as we have. We appreciate your validation and look forward to feeling like you approve of our business plan.
6. Threaten to tell
7. Repeatedly tell us that we have failed to make you happy and have possibly ruined your future happiness, while striking down any offers we might make to rectify the situation. Even if we don't agree with you, we're obligated by law to listen. Remind yourself this as you repeatedly demand the impossible, and don't let us get a word in edgewise. When we do...tell us we're being SO RUDE.
8. Expect free stuff. If you voice your complaint forcefully enough, expect us to drop everything and deliver you more of our products, at no charge, based on your word alone. We don't need proof. Are we calling you a liar?
9. Ask to "speak to the owner". Act surprised when the woman who just answered the phone turns out to BE the owner. Do not let the situation be diffused, though. Demand to speak to a man. What could she know?
10. Feel free to hang up on us. Nothing says "I'm in control of this situation" better than just hanging up on someone. Granted, there's no satisfying "slam" to it, with cell phones, but you can make it more gratifying by calling us names before pressing <end>. Just be careful we don't call you right back in a cheerful voice and say, "I'm sorry, we got cut off. I wasn't finished." Because we probably will.
11. Claim to have had more years' experience as a business owner, than you actually have been alive. This impresses us to no end, because anyone who's had "300 years' combined business experience" sure as heck knows what they're talking about. We're all ears.
12. Pretend to avidly stay abreast of facts, price trends, profit margins, and safety issues relating to our business. Lord knows we sure don't.
13. Setting prices and profit margins should NOT be limited to individuals who actually run the business. Everyone knows this. You should definitely let us know if we're charging too much. Feel free to tell us what you *will* pay, and don't be embarrassed to offer us less than half our retail prices, "or possibly a little higher". We will appreciate your savvy negotiating skills and probably offer to just GIVE you this stuff for free.
14. Make your fight personal. When emailing your unhappy thoughts, it's helpful if you point out that you resent the owner's having mentioned the fact that she personally delivered your messy bundles of FREE kindling to your house in her brand-new BMW X-5, causing her to get a trunk-full of stupid sawdust and wasting the better part of an hour vacuuming out her car because of YOU. Her car-keeping troubles are not your concern. And she didn't bring enough kindling, anyway.
15. Be loud. Use LOTS OF UNDERLINING AND HIGHLIGHTED ALL-CAPS IN YOUR EMAILS SO WE ARE SURE TO HEAR YOU YELLING. Everyone knows the best approach in conflict resolution is to jump right to yelling.
16. It's also helpful to tell us, when you're ordering, that you will be needing/expecting us to perform about four additional services, which we don't offer, at no charge. Threaten not to pay for your merchandise if we don't meet your demands. Act offended when we say we don't offer those services, and threaten to take your business elsewhere.
17. When you threaten to "take your business elsewhere", rest assured that this will change the business owner's mind, on the spot, 100% of the time, possibly even more than 100% of the time. Every time. We will always beg you not to take your rude self somewhere else. hashtag goaway
18. If we actually do encourage you to please take your crazy, rude self somewhere else, act outraged. It is your right to behave as rudely as you can imagine, and it is our job to put up with anything you want to dish out. Forever and ever, amen.
19. When paying in cash, make sure to hand it to the delivery driver as if you're possibly funding Oliver Twist's first real pair of new shoes. He'll appreciate that you think he's needy and that your two crisp one-hundred-dollar bills might be the most money he's ever handled with his bare hands.
20. Give expert business advice, even if you're living in your mom's/son's/ex-wife's basement and spending your life trolling comment boards, crafting carefully-worded snide remarks from the behind the safety of your computer screen and an anonymous user name. We appreciate your input and your obviously higher understanding of our decision-making paradigms.
21. If you have never worked
22. Profess your Christian morals to the owner, but remember to also call them names in the same email, while also pointing out that you're pretty positive that they are NOT Christians. Your higher level of spirituality absolutely qualifies you to make those kinds of deep personal analyses via email.
23. Threaten to go on Yelp and make sure everyone in town hears what kind of business we run. Better yet, GO and post on Yelp and then send emails reminding us that we "really should check our reviews". Act surprised and offended when you realize we've blocked your email address and phone numbers.
24. Your negative input is absolutely always correct. We derive all of our personal validation from it and take it as a window into our souls. Thank you.
25. Enjoy the renewed sense of purpose that floods into your life as you realize that you've just caused a person you don't know to feel anxious, angry, or offended, without even leaving your couch.
This was going to be a list of ten, but then...I've got over 100 years' experience to pull from.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
What Is This? Priceline??
Oh. My. Gosh.
Guys. I'm literally laughing out freaking loud right now. Here's a customer service laugh for all of you in retail.
We run a business selling retail firewood; we've been doing it for like 14 years. Per cord, our firewood prices range from 165.00-265.00. EACH.
I just received an email from an ex-customer, who hasn't ordered since 2006, because even then, he was SO CHEAP that he canceled an order over a $20.00 difference in price and asked us to take him off our mailing list because he "could find it cheaper somewhere else."
No problem. Took him off the list and never heard from him again. Until--
TODAY. *bing* An email shows up on my phone, which means it came through our website, where our prices are clearly LISTED.
He's ordering our top-priced wood, which is $265.00 PER CORD. He wants THREE cords. And here I quote:
Him: Will pay $110 per cord if it is buckskin tamarack. Prefer it above red fir, but might go $120 possibly. Note: Have been a customer previously.
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA
*doubled over laughing so hard*
Is this effing PRICELINE?? OH MY GOSH!
*composes self and wipes tears of laughter* Oh, my abs...!
I quit laughing long enough to politely write him back, still snorting with laughter but maintaining the professional restraint to keep from instantly writing back--"You're kidding, right?" or "How about if I make you a counter-offer, then you can see if that works for you, then you can counter my counter-offer??" or "Yeah. 1965 was a good year."
What the actual HECK?!??
I wrote back:
Me: Hi *priceline-type customer*, Our current prices are available online. Unfortunately, we don't offer anything in that price range, but thanks for inquiring.
Best regards, yours truly, sincerely... etc., etc.
Guys. I'm literally laughing out freaking loud right now. Here's a customer service laugh for all of you in retail.
We run a business selling retail firewood; we've been doing it for like 14 years. Per cord, our firewood prices range from 165.00-265.00. EACH.
I just received an email from an ex-customer, who hasn't ordered since 2006, because even then, he was SO CHEAP that he canceled an order over a $20.00 difference in price and asked us to take him off our mailing list because he "could find it cheaper somewhere else."
No problem. Took him off the list and never heard from him again. Until--
TODAY. *bing* An email shows up on my phone, which means it came through our website, where our prices are clearly LISTED.
He's ordering our top-priced wood, which is $265.00 PER CORD. He wants THREE cords. And here I quote:
Him: Will pay $110 per cord if it is buckskin tamarack. Prefer it above red fir, but might go $120 possibly. Note: Have been a customer previously.
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA
*doubled over laughing so hard*
Is this effing PRICELINE?? OH MY GOSH!
 |
| hold up a sec- |
*composes self and wipes tears of laughter* Oh, my abs...!
I quit laughing long enough to politely write him back, still snorting with laughter but maintaining the professional restraint to keep from instantly writing back--"You're kidding, right?" or "How about if I make you a counter-offer, then you can see if that works for you, then you can counter my counter-offer??" or "Yeah. 1965 was a good year."
What the actual HECK?!??
I wrote back:
Me: Hi *priceline-type customer*, Our current prices are available online. Unfortunately, we don't offer anything in that price range, but thanks for inquiring.
Best regards, yours truly, sincerely... etc., etc.
Seriously, you guys--we haven't had anything under $140.00, even for our economy wood, since before 2005. What decade is he writing from? What response was he expecting?? Do you go the Home Depot counter with your cart and say, "I'll give you $50.00 for this whole cart full, maybe $75, but that's as high as I can go"?
I got such a kick out of this email that I couldn't even delete it, and it's too special to simply "save", so guess what? I made him his very own folder in my email folder list. It's called Things Worth Laughing At. And it now has one email in it.
*exhales*
whew. I just had to share that. Thanks for listening.
hashtag crazy customers whattheheck
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Reserving the Right to Refuse Service, Part 2--We need Yelp for Vendors
Not to rant. Ok, yes, it's to rant. But seriously, these PEOPLE.
I'm not even going to go into details, but just let's say, in general, that rude customers deserve their own, right back. I've said it before, but they just won't give up.
I just had the rudest email from an ex-customer. I won't go into the back story, because it's longer even than is ok here.
Suffice it to say, I don't want their business, and I *may* or *may not* have implied this to someone who knows them, because they had him call me (poor guy) to ask me why they couldn't get through to me to place an order. (what is this, junior high?) I didn't name names, and neither did he. He simply said he had 'friends' who couldn't get through on my phone, and I simply said that yes, that could be true, and that sometimes there are people who we decide not to do business with, for various reasons; hence, I don't answer the phone for them. So, if they aren't getting through...there's probably a reason.
Ok, so I am totally going into the back story a bit, but you GUYS, this is SO annoying!!
I should also point out clearly here that...no names were mentioned. He didn't say who he was calling about (or for), and I didn't say who I was referring to, just "some people". So technically we weren't even discussing this actual person, except that he must have told them what I said, and they immediately jumped right to the conclusion that I was talking about them. Hmm. Now, why would she so quickly assume that I meant her and her husband, unless she already had it in her head that, yes, there had been a problem there. Why would you call a business back, when you already don't like them? So many things to wonder...
So this woman, who I'll call Barbara, which *may* or *may not* be her name, writes me a long email about how they weren't happy with our service or our product last year, (even though we took her 25% more for free, of what they had ordered, in an effort to bend over backwards and give them what they wanted, even though they GOT what they ordered, but I digress.) She said that she can't believe we would just 'decide we don't like her and that we won't do business with her' (I'm sorry...you lost me...what don't you understand about that?). Then she went on to say that she knows a lot of people, and you know the saying, a happy customer tells 10 people and an unhappy one tells 100 people.
It got me thinking (ranting, whatever) about some possible responses:
1. Dear Barbara--Well, if I count as #1, and your neighbor who called me counts as #2, you have 98 to go, so I'd get busy. It's exhausting, I know, because I just told 5 people what a hag you are, and let me tell you, I'm already tired of telling the story, and I'll probably have that martini earlier tonight. So, thanks for that.
2. Dear Barbara--Thanks for your promise to tell everyone about me. I promise to do the same, and I will tell all my vendor friends your name, address, and phone number and what a bitchy customer you are, so they'll be sure and watch out for you, too. Game on, sweetie.
3. Dear Barbara--Maybe it's just me, but if *I* told 100 people the same "horror story" about a vendor who 'told me they won't do business with me', I'm thinking that most of them would think a) you're obsessing a bit, or b) you must be a REALLY bad customer, if a vendor had to TELL you they won't work with you. Your mileage may vary, and of course, if the 100 people are your friends, they might just roll their eyes and go, oh, you know, that's Barbara for you. Always going off about yet another business who doesn't meet her standards.
4. Dear Barbara--Since you were too obtuse to get the message, when I didn't return your multiple voicemails, and I repeatedly finally actually had to answer and then hang up my phone on you, so you couldn't get through, and you STILL didn't get it. Yes, Barbara, I feel that sometimes people have to use words to convey a message. So read closely, and I'll keep the words small for you: I. won't. do. business. with. you. You know...free country and all...
6. Dear Barbara--Please do tell all your friends. If they're like you, we don't want their money either.
7. Dear Barbara--Seeing as how your friend who called only said he had "friends" who couldn't get through, and I simply said that yes, we do sometimes decide not to do business with certain people...I find it sort of...revealing...that you so immediately assumed I meant YOU. (The self-centeredness of some people-- really). I can only guess that this means you already felt that there was a problem here, so again, why would you so persistently try to order from us? Either way, the game is up. An email that rude can only do one thing: clearly reinforce the fact that I was right not to take your call.
8. Dear Barbara--Thank you for your expert analysis of my customer service, and for confirming that my gut instinct that you are a nasty, rude person to deal with was highly accurate--it's good to know I'm so insightful. I have blocked your email address, and I look forward to never hearing from you again ever.
9. Dear Barbara---I have signed you up for 10 times more of what you didn't like last year, for this year. We can deliver that tomorrow at 4 a.m. Your total is $3709.98. We accept cash and coin only, so if you could please be sure to go to the bank today and withdraw the exact change in bills, in denominations no larger than a $20, we'd appreciate that. Also the 0.98 needs to have no quarters in it. We will call you an hour and a half before delivery, several times, to make sure you're really awake when the dump truck arrives. You might also want to let your neighbors know, because a loud dump truck unloading at 4 a.m. is usually not what most people want outside their bedroom window, but we could call and let them know that you don't care what they think. That's just a service we offer, and they'll appreciate that you thought of them.
10. Dear Barbara--While the general intent of your message came through, albeit possibly without having the desired effect you were hoping for (laughing and blocking your email were probably not what you intended), I found the composition and punctation to be so lacking that it really made the whole email seem less...I don't know...cohesive. In the future, if you're trying to sound ominous and rude instead of immature and bitchy, please try and use periods and capitalization a little more often. Like, at all, really.
____________
Thanks, dear reader, for listening.
I love that I can get all this off my chest somewhere besides just ranting to Shane about it, because it's his birthday today and Lord knows I don't want to be all, can you believe what this woman just said?!? right now while he's trying to enjoy his Day.
Seriously, though, I really, really, really DO think that, since customers get to go out there and use our (businesses) names, phone numbers, addresses, etc., to have their say, right or wrong, about what they think of our service, whether it's deserved or not, then we as businesses should have a platform where we can do the same. Post their name, address, phone number, maybe a picture, and let other vendors know...hey, this lady is a freak. Nothing you do will please her, so don't bother. She will only cost you aggravation, time, and money, and will then still write you a bad review. We could call it Velp.
And just for reference, dear vendors and customer service professionals--if you're getting these kind of customers in your face, and it's actually, truly just them (if it's you, then yeah, you need to work on that, but sometimes, they're just nasty because it's how they ARE), then here's a thought: You don't have to put UP with that crap.
People need to be made aware that if they scream and threaten and stomp their feet and act like a spoiled brat, then we can simply refuse to deal with them. There are people out there who actually pride themselves on being rude to wait staff, cashiers, clerks, etc., and this needs to stop. There are also people who plan to complain, so they will get free stuff while vendors bend over backwards to "make them happy" so they won't (God forbid) complain. Well, surprise--it's my phone, and if you yell at me and curse and condescend, I will absolutely hang up on you. Take that nonsense somewhere else.
I know, groundbreaking. Velp. Who's with me?
I'm not even going to go into details, but just let's say, in general, that rude customers deserve their own, right back. I've said it before, but they just won't give up.
I just had the rudest email from an ex-customer. I won't go into the back story, because it's longer even than is ok here.
Suffice it to say, I don't want their business, and I *may* or *may not* have implied this to someone who knows them, because they had him call me (poor guy) to ask me why they couldn't get through to me to place an order. (what is this, junior high?) I didn't name names, and neither did he. He simply said he had 'friends' who couldn't get through on my phone, and I simply said that yes, that could be true, and that sometimes there are people who we decide not to do business with, for various reasons; hence, I don't answer the phone for them. So, if they aren't getting through...there's probably a reason.
Ok, so I am totally going into the back story a bit, but you GUYS, this is SO annoying!!
I should also point out clearly here that...no names were mentioned. He didn't say who he was calling about (or for), and I didn't say who I was referring to, just "some people". So technically we weren't even discussing this actual person, except that he must have told them what I said, and they immediately jumped right to the conclusion that I was talking about them. Hmm. Now, why would she so quickly assume that I meant her and her husband, unless she already had it in her head that, yes, there had been a problem there. Why would you call a business back, when you already don't like them? So many things to wonder...
So this woman, who I'll call Barbara, which *may* or *may not* be her name, writes me a long email about how they weren't happy with our service or our product last year, (even though we took her 25% more for free, of what they had ordered, in an effort to bend over backwards and give them what they wanted, even though they GOT what they ordered, but I digress.) She said that she can't believe we would just 'decide we don't like her and that we won't do business with her' (I'm sorry...you lost me...what don't you understand about that?). Then she went on to say that she knows a lot of people, and you know the saying, a happy customer tells 10 people and an unhappy one tells 100 people.
It got me thinking (ranting, whatever) about some possible responses:
1. Dear Barbara--Well, if I count as #1, and your neighbor who called me counts as #2, you have 98 to go, so I'd get busy. It's exhausting, I know, because I just told 5 people what a hag you are, and let me tell you, I'm already tired of telling the story, and I'll probably have that martini earlier tonight. So, thanks for that.
2. Dear Barbara--Thanks for your promise to tell everyone about me. I promise to do the same, and I will tell all my vendor friends your name, address, and phone number and what a bitchy customer you are, so they'll be sure and watch out for you, too. Game on, sweetie.
3. Dear Barbara--Maybe it's just me, but if *I* told 100 people the same "horror story" about a vendor who 'told me they won't do business with me', I'm thinking that most of them would think a) you're obsessing a bit, or b) you must be a REALLY bad customer, if a vendor had to TELL you they won't work with you. Your mileage may vary, and of course, if the 100 people are your friends, they might just roll their eyes and go, oh, you know, that's Barbara for you. Always going off about yet another business who doesn't meet her standards.
4. Dear Barbara--Since you were too obtuse to get the message, when I didn't return your multiple voicemails, and I repeatedly finally actually had to answer and then hang up my phone on you, so you couldn't get through, and you STILL didn't get it. Yes, Barbara, I feel that sometimes people have to use words to convey a message. So read closely, and I'll keep the words small for you: I. won't. do. business. with. you. You know...free country and all...
6. Dear Barbara--Please do tell all your friends. If they're like you, we don't want their money either.
7. Dear Barbara--Seeing as how your friend who called only said he had "friends" who couldn't get through, and I simply said that yes, we do sometimes decide not to do business with certain people...I find it sort of...revealing...that you so immediately assumed I meant YOU. (The self-centeredness of some people-- really). I can only guess that this means you already felt that there was a problem here, so again, why would you so persistently try to order from us? Either way, the game is up. An email that rude can only do one thing: clearly reinforce the fact that I was right not to take your call.
8. Dear Barbara--Thank you for your expert analysis of my customer service, and for confirming that my gut instinct that you are a nasty, rude person to deal with was highly accurate--it's good to know I'm so insightful. I have blocked your email address, and I look forward to never hearing from you again ever.
9. Dear Barbara---I have signed you up for 10 times more of what you didn't like last year, for this year. We can deliver that tomorrow at 4 a.m. Your total is $3709.98. We accept cash and coin only, so if you could please be sure to go to the bank today and withdraw the exact change in bills, in denominations no larger than a $20, we'd appreciate that. Also the 0.98 needs to have no quarters in it. We will call you an hour and a half before delivery, several times, to make sure you're really awake when the dump truck arrives. You might also want to let your neighbors know, because a loud dump truck unloading at 4 a.m. is usually not what most people want outside their bedroom window, but we could call and let them know that you don't care what they think. That's just a service we offer, and they'll appreciate that you thought of them.
10. Dear Barbara--While the general intent of your message came through, albeit possibly without having the desired effect you were hoping for (laughing and blocking your email were probably not what you intended), I found the composition and punctation to be so lacking that it really made the whole email seem less...I don't know...cohesive. In the future, if you're trying to sound ominous and rude instead of immature and bitchy, please try and use periods and capitalization a little more often. Like, at all, really.
____________
Thanks, dear reader, for listening.
I love that I can get all this off my chest somewhere besides just ranting to Shane about it, because it's his birthday today and Lord knows I don't want to be all, can you believe what this woman just said?!? right now while he's trying to enjoy his Day.
Seriously, though, I really, really, really DO think that, since customers get to go out there and use our (businesses) names, phone numbers, addresses, etc., to have their say, right or wrong, about what they think of our service, whether it's deserved or not, then we as businesses should have a platform where we can do the same. Post their name, address, phone number, maybe a picture, and let other vendors know...hey, this lady is a freak. Nothing you do will please her, so don't bother. She will only cost you aggravation, time, and money, and will then still write you a bad review. We could call it Velp.
And just for reference, dear vendors and customer service professionals--if you're getting these kind of customers in your face, and it's actually, truly just them (if it's you, then yeah, you need to work on that, but sometimes, they're just nasty because it's how they ARE), then here's a thought: You don't have to put UP with that crap.
People need to be made aware that if they scream and threaten and stomp their feet and act like a spoiled brat, then we can simply refuse to deal with them. There are people out there who actually pride themselves on being rude to wait staff, cashiers, clerks, etc., and this needs to stop. There are also people who plan to complain, so they will get free stuff while vendors bend over backwards to "make them happy" so they won't (God forbid) complain. Well, surprise--it's my phone, and if you yell at me and curse and condescend, I will absolutely hang up on you. Take that nonsense somewhere else.
I know, groundbreaking. Velp. Who's with me?
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I Met a Princess Once...
This is from a long post that I had published in bits and pieces on a cake forum a long time ago at the height of my Bakery Life. Every word is true; again, you can't make up stuff this crazy.
If it seems pieced together, it is, but it was so funny and bizarre that I had to include it here.
____
One day my bakery phone rings and it's this woman, who sounds very...normal. No foreign accent, articulate, friendly, personable, slightly chatty, etc. She tells me she's calling me from Africa (eyebrow up), and that they are going to be moving 'home' soon to a local mansion that they have bought. They are "renewing their vows" (at this point I'm still with her) before flying off to Hawaii and Disneyland, in that order (other eyebrow starting to go up).
She asks if I can do a pillow cake with a crown on it. I say sure. She says, "Because my husband's actually a prince." I'm thinking, "Okay, your husband's a great guy." But she's trying to say he's actual royalty, and she mentions it several more times. I'm unimpressed (sorry). But yes, I can do a crown-on-a-pillow cake.
Her next request is that she wants a 4-foot-tall Faberge design cake, and can I do this? I say that I can, but first I need to know her wedding date. She says, "Oh...you know...soon." We talk about design for a minute. She's obviously ON my website while we're talking, and she compliments me on various cakes. All throughout her chitchat, she keeps mentioning that her husband "works at the embassy," and that they are "financially comfortable," (starting to lose me here, why does this matter?). She also needs to tell me that her husband, who's a prince, remember, is half-Australian and half-South African, but that her daughter is: White (me: "Huh? So?"). Both eyebrows starting to frown.
She asks about cake tastings and flavors, and we have a somewhat normal conversation about that--what he likes, what she likes, etc. She still sounds pretty sane. I tell them they can come in if they want (when they're in the States, that is). She tells me again, "That would be nice, but my husband's...black. (long pause) But he USED to be white." At this point, I'm like, WTF??
I tell her to send me a web order online and that I will check my calender and see if I'm available (I'm booked thru June heavily, so that's true.). She says she "only" wants to work with me. Whatever.
I figure I'm not going to hear from her again. Ten minutes later I get an online order with her info (with her name, I kid you not, as "Princess *name withheld*") and that she will take whatever date I want and give me instructions "when they're in the States". The order has no capitalization (even for the name of the mansion), and the design info is...odd and very random (exactly like those Nigerian email scam orders).
I decided to look up her phone number (duh, Poynt, people), and it's a LEWISTON, IDAHO phone number. Okayyyy. So she took her Idaho cell phone to Africa to live? And the name of the "mansion" they're "buying" to live in, in two weeks, is a major wedding venue I dealt with in Spokane all the time, so I called them and said, "Hey, this is Stef--are you guys for sale right now?" Of course we had a bit of a laugh about it, because of course they're not. But really. What's the POINT of all this???
I emailed the, uh, Princess back and said I'd gotten to my desk and that I did not, in fact, have any dates open in June, best luck in the future, etc.
The same day, I got a TEXT from her Idaho cell phone number, with an incredible photo of a Faberge egg vase filled with gorgeous flowers, like this:
What. the. heck? What happened to the crown on a pillow?
She did sound very rational, but yes, she did keep bringing up her husband's skin color, and yes, I swear she said he's black,...but he used to be white... (I let that one go). I did tell her I don't care what color he is; bring him in.
I decided to call her and tell her I didn't see any June dates open (and I really didn't have time for a 4' cake that month unless I worked 24-hour shifts, even if she WAS for real). And, NO sending me extra money. I'm not that gullible.
She also asked me for a local referral to a caterer's number for her upcoming party, and I gave her one. Afterwards, I started wondering about the whole thing, so I then called THEM and left a message that if an African princess calls to book you for a party, please let me know.
Also I'd love to know what time is it at the South African embassy, when it's 2 pm PST here? Just a thought...
Assuming I'm willing to go along with the fact that, okay, sure, they're royalty and they don't know their next address, then (possibly) I could be looking at a very expensive cake. The sugar flowers alone would cost a fortune.
Am I supposed to call her Your Majesty next time? What's the protocol for talking with royalty by phone in Idaho? The whole conversation was very pleasant and chatty, albeit surreal and with way too much odd personal info from her ("Did I mention we're rich?" WHO announces that??), and I was driving in heavy traffic at the time, which makes me a little ADD anyway. But maybe she's just an eccentric princess with party-planning time on her hands, who really just loves red velvet cake and wants a 4' Faberge egg made of sugar. I've seen odder cakes...
Assuming all of that--she also still reminded me very much of a woman we knew when I was a kid, who actually lived with us in the 1970s, who was very schizophrenic and on heavy meds, and when she would go off her meds, she would call me from Seattle when I was 13 and be like, "Hiiii Stef...I'm having a tea party. Do you want to come to my tea party?" And I'd be on the phone looking at my mom, like, "Isn't Diane still in SEATTLE?!? Seven hours away??" Then, "Sure, Diane, I'd love that. Yeah, okay, well, here's my mom." She was very odd when off meds, but in a sweet believable way.
Here's the next chapter. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
She called me the next day. I knew it was her, because I saved her in my cell as "Princess XX from Africa LOL." My kids are like, "Answer it!! Do it!"
So, she had now picked a date in July and a venue (the nicest one in the area, and no, she's not living in it this time), and also an alternate venue idea.
Now she has picked a cake design from my website, said she wants exactly that design. Except...She did mention she wants it 6' tall. I stopped her here and said: "OKAY. First I need to know how many guests are we feeding?" She's like, "About 40." I said, "You realize that, for a cake to be 6' tall, it is going to need a LOT of styrofoam dummies, or you're going to have a ton of leftover cake". She's like, that's okay, I love cake. I said, "No I mean, thousands of dollars worth, of extra cake".
So, she completely switches gears and says that it doesn't matter and to please just copy this 4-tiered round cake on my website, but add some pearls and sugar diamonds to "dress it up".
She picked flavors and fillings for all four tiers, although at one point she said she wants ME to pick all the flavors (huh??? um, no). I reminded her that the cake she's ordering will only be like 18"-20" tall. She said that's fine, it doesn't have to be huge (?). This is all starting to REALLY NOT MAKE SENSE.
At least she didn't mention anyone's skin color this time, which was a plus.
She did mention that it was 4 a.m. where she is, and that she was "kind of tired, but she that has to get up and deal with all this planning at wierd hours because that's the time difference to get vendors over there during regular hours." (oooohh-kay).
Now she went on to say she still wanted a pillow cake with a crown and gold tassles (because that's a royal color), with a frog inside the crown, because she had to kiss a lot of frogs to get her prince (believable? sure).
I asked her if she's already booked the venue for this event. She said it's one or the other but hasn't booked yet. (I have calls in to both to check this). She didn't mention moving INto a venue this time, but did say that by that time "their house should be finished". So apparently, she's still moving here?
The whole time, I'm thinking, she is so rational to visit with and very appreciative of my taking the time to help her with this, etc., etc., that (aside from the original wacky details) that she could be any customer I've talked to, who's planning a cake.
So I wrapped it up with telling her that I will get all her details into a quote and email it to her. If she wants to book it, there's a $100 deposit to hold the date. The balance is due a month before the event. She said that's fine and that her daughter is here in Idaho and can get that to me. (very normal, no offering of extra funds or whatever). She's like, "Oh thank you so much; I know it will be perfect."
Ok, I do have to interject that she did mention some of the cake is being taken BACK to Africa, at which point I said italian meringue icing isn't a good idea for long travel, and she said they'd be using dry ice. (what EVER)
The whole time, I'm thinking what's the POINT of all of this?
I called my bank and totally enthralled the lovely girl there with the story. She now wants to be on the list of updates when this all does/doesn't happen. ("Call me. I mean it.") She said a cashier's check is okay but can be a fraud, and frauds can go for 7 years out, in terms of them being able to suck the funds BACK out of my account if it turns out to be fraudulent. She said cash of course is best, or a credit card from the daughter and give everything lots of time to clear, etc. Of course my cake contracts state that nothing is refundable after certain dates, etc. And of course I wouldn't let her 'over'pay me (whoops) and ask for a refund on the overage, so I'm covered there. Basically by now I was just thinking...yep; I'm booked, lady. er, Your Highness... (muffled laughter)
I also took the time to do another reverse lookup of the phone number she'd been calling from-- remember I said it appeared to be a Lewiston number?
Well. It said it's a...(ready?) LANDLINE in Lewiston.
Ok, so how. IN. THE. HECK is she calling me from AFRICA?
I decided I have no idea what is up with this, but she's got to be lying about everything or, as a friend suggested, making her "one phone call from the asylum today" to yank my chain.
So much for rational, sane-sounding lunatics.
"Yes, hello, Room Service? I'd like a glass of water and some Valium. Thanks." --Stef
Late, late post-script: I never did hear back from her. Whatever.
If it seems pieced together, it is, but it was so funny and bizarre that I had to include it here.
____
One day my bakery phone rings and it's this woman, who sounds very...normal. No foreign accent, articulate, friendly, personable, slightly chatty, etc. She tells me she's calling me from Africa (eyebrow up), and that they are going to be moving 'home' soon to a local mansion that they have bought. They are "renewing their vows" (at this point I'm still with her) before flying off to Hawaii and Disneyland, in that order (other eyebrow starting to go up).
She asks if I can do a pillow cake with a crown on it. I say sure. She says, "Because my husband's actually a prince." I'm thinking, "Okay, your husband's a great guy." But she's trying to say he's actual royalty, and she mentions it several more times. I'm unimpressed (sorry). But yes, I can do a crown-on-a-pillow cake.
Her next request is that she wants a 4-foot-tall Faberge design cake, and can I do this? I say that I can, but first I need to know her wedding date. She says, "Oh...you know...soon." We talk about design for a minute. She's obviously ON my website while we're talking, and she compliments me on various cakes. All throughout her chitchat, she keeps mentioning that her husband "works at the embassy," and that they are "financially comfortable," (starting to lose me here, why does this matter?). She also needs to tell me that her husband, who's a prince, remember, is half-Australian and half-South African, but that her daughter is: White (me: "Huh? So?"). Both eyebrows starting to frown.
She asks about cake tastings and flavors, and we have a somewhat normal conversation about that--what he likes, what she likes, etc. She still sounds pretty sane. I tell them they can come in if they want (when they're in the States, that is). She tells me again, "That would be nice, but my husband's...black. (long pause) But he USED to be white." At this point, I'm like, WTF??
I tell her to send me a web order online and that I will check my calender and see if I'm available (I'm booked thru June heavily, so that's true.). She says she "only" wants to work with me. Whatever.
I figure I'm not going to hear from her again. Ten minutes later I get an online order with her info (with her name, I kid you not, as "Princess *name withheld*") and that she will take whatever date I want and give me instructions "when they're in the States". The order has no capitalization (even for the name of the mansion), and the design info is...odd and very random (exactly like those Nigerian email scam orders).
I decided to look up her phone number (duh, Poynt, people), and it's a LEWISTON, IDAHO phone number. Okayyyy. So she took her Idaho cell phone to Africa to live? And the name of the "mansion" they're "buying" to live in, in two weeks, is a major wedding venue I dealt with in Spokane all the time, so I called them and said, "Hey, this is Stef--are you guys for sale right now?" Of course we had a bit of a laugh about it, because of course they're not. But really. What's the POINT of all this???
I emailed the, uh, Princess back and said I'd gotten to my desk and that I did not, in fact, have any dates open in June, best luck in the future, etc.
The same day, I got a TEXT from her Idaho cell phone number, with an incredible photo of a Faberge egg vase filled with gorgeous flowers, like this:
This should be the inspiration for the 4' tall cake she's wanting.
What. the. heck? What happened to the crown on a pillow?
She did sound very rational, but yes, she did keep bringing up her husband's skin color, and yes, I swear she said he's black,...but he used to be white... (I let that one go). I did tell her I don't care what color he is; bring him in.
I decided to call her and tell her I didn't see any June dates open (and I really didn't have time for a 4' cake that month unless I worked 24-hour shifts, even if she WAS for real). And, NO sending me extra money. I'm not that gullible.
She also asked me for a local referral to a caterer's number for her upcoming party, and I gave her one. Afterwards, I started wondering about the whole thing, so I then called THEM and left a message that if an African princess calls to book you for a party, please let me know.
Also I'd love to know what time is it at the South African embassy, when it's 2 pm PST here? Just a thought...
Assuming I'm willing to go along with the fact that, okay, sure, they're royalty and they don't know their next address, then (possibly) I could be looking at a very expensive cake. The sugar flowers alone would cost a fortune.
Am I supposed to call her Your Majesty next time? What's the protocol for talking with royalty by phone in Idaho? The whole conversation was very pleasant and chatty, albeit surreal and with way too much odd personal info from her ("Did I mention we're rich?" WHO announces that??), and I was driving in heavy traffic at the time, which makes me a little ADD anyway. But maybe she's just an eccentric princess with party-planning time on her hands, who really just loves red velvet cake and wants a 4' Faberge egg made of sugar. I've seen odder cakes...
Assuming all of that--she also still reminded me very much of a woman we knew when I was a kid, who actually lived with us in the 1970s, who was very schizophrenic and on heavy meds, and when she would go off her meds, she would call me from Seattle when I was 13 and be like, "Hiiii Stef...I'm having a tea party. Do you want to come to my tea party?" And I'd be on the phone looking at my mom, like, "Isn't Diane still in SEATTLE?!? Seven hours away??" Then, "Sure, Diane, I'd love that. Yeah, okay, well, here's my mom." She was very odd when off meds, but in a sweet believable way.
Here's the next chapter. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
She called me the next day. I knew it was her, because I saved her in my cell as "Princess XX from Africa LOL." My kids are like, "Answer it!! Do it!"
So, she had now picked a date in July and a venue (the nicest one in the area, and no, she's not living in it this time), and also an alternate venue idea.
Now she has picked a cake design from my website, said she wants exactly that design. Except...She did mention she wants it 6' tall. I stopped her here and said: "OKAY. First I need to know how many guests are we feeding?" She's like, "About 40." I said, "You realize that, for a cake to be 6' tall, it is going to need a LOT of styrofoam dummies, or you're going to have a ton of leftover cake". She's like, that's okay, I love cake. I said, "No I mean, thousands of dollars worth, of extra cake".
So, she completely switches gears and says that it doesn't matter and to please just copy this 4-tiered round cake on my website, but add some pearls and sugar diamonds to "dress it up".
She picked flavors and fillings for all four tiers, although at one point she said she wants ME to pick all the flavors (huh??? um, no). I reminded her that the cake she's ordering will only be like 18"-20" tall. She said that's fine, it doesn't have to be huge (?). This is all starting to REALLY NOT MAKE SENSE.
At least she didn't mention anyone's skin color this time, which was a plus.
She did mention that it was 4 a.m. where she is, and that she was "kind of tired, but she that has to get up and deal with all this planning at wierd hours because that's the time difference to get vendors over there during regular hours." (oooohh-kay).
Now she went on to say she still wanted a pillow cake with a crown and gold tassles (because that's a royal color), with a frog inside the crown, because she had to kiss a lot of frogs to get her prince (believable? sure).
I asked her if she's already booked the venue for this event. She said it's one or the other but hasn't booked yet. (I have calls in to both to check this). She didn't mention moving INto a venue this time, but did say that by that time "their house should be finished". So apparently, she's still moving here?
The whole time, I'm thinking, she is so rational to visit with and very appreciative of my taking the time to help her with this, etc., etc., that (aside from the original wacky details) that she could be any customer I've talked to, who's planning a cake.
So I wrapped it up with telling her that I will get all her details into a quote and email it to her. If she wants to book it, there's a $100 deposit to hold the date. The balance is due a month before the event. She said that's fine and that her daughter is here in Idaho and can get that to me. (very normal, no offering of extra funds or whatever). She's like, "Oh thank you so much; I know it will be perfect."
Ok, I do have to interject that she did mention some of the cake is being taken BACK to Africa, at which point I said italian meringue icing isn't a good idea for long travel, and she said they'd be using dry ice. (what EVER)
The whole time, I'm thinking what's the POINT of all of this?
I called my bank and totally enthralled the lovely girl there with the story. She now wants to be on the list of updates when this all does/doesn't happen. ("Call me. I mean it.") She said a cashier's check is okay but can be a fraud, and frauds can go for 7 years out, in terms of them being able to suck the funds BACK out of my account if it turns out to be fraudulent. She said cash of course is best, or a credit card from the daughter and give everything lots of time to clear, etc. Of course my cake contracts state that nothing is refundable after certain dates, etc. And of course I wouldn't let her 'over'pay me (whoops) and ask for a refund on the overage, so I'm covered there. Basically by now I was just thinking...yep; I'm booked, lady. er, Your Highness... (muffled laughter)
I also took the time to do another reverse lookup of the phone number she'd been calling from-- remember I said it appeared to be a Lewiston number?
Well. It said it's a...(ready?) LANDLINE in Lewiston.
Ok, so how. IN. THE. HECK is she calling me from AFRICA?
I decided I have no idea what is up with this, but she's got to be lying about everything or, as a friend suggested, making her "one phone call from the asylum today" to yank my chain.
So much for rational, sane-sounding lunatics.
"Yes, hello, Room Service? I'd like a glass of water and some Valium. Thanks." --Stef
Late, late post-script: I never did hear back from her. Whatever.
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