And a Hearty GOODBYE to 2017

You guys.  SO MUCH has gone on since ...um...(counts on fingers) last June.  Let's review, shall we?  You can also almost just zoom through and see the pictures, for a quick update on my life, but if you like to read my scattered off-the-hip updates, well, yeah...there's that, too.

We've had:  *inhales* ...A bunch of yard renovation, a wedding followed by a beautiful reception, a graduation followed by a gift Jetta, an empty nest, a funeral, my first first-class seat on a plane (OMG THE FRONT OF THE PLANE, what is even happening?), a great Christmas party, a cookbook published(!), a hip replacement, an amazing vacation, and...a wrecked gift Jetta.  *insert super-annoyed-mom eye roll here*

Oh, and I managed to crochet our newly on-her-own graduated youngest daughter a super cool afghan in February, and knitted a new scarf for myself this weekend, in between cross-stitching everysingledayevenonvacation on my giant recreation of the Lady and the Unicorn tapestry.  See?

I've literally taken this across the country in my carry-on, twice.

I also petted a MOOSE.  Yes, I know.  Dangerousssss.  I'm crazy.  Shouldn't have done that.  Etcetera.  But yeah, I totally did, and I was up on the porch safe behind a big pillar when I did it, and she couldn't get me, and she didn't seem like she cared, so I just went with it.  Since no one believes me that we had a totally tame-ish wild moose in our actual front yard (for like weeks, actually--the bushes barely survived it), I did manage to video the whole thing with my free hand while simultaneously watching her for signs of attack-moose mode so I could duck back inside and avoid being trampled or pummeled or beaten to death by her hooves, or whatever happens when mooses attack you.  Is "mooses" a word in that case?  No idea.  When "moose" attack you...that doesn't sound right either. Whatever.  Anyway, I totally petted her.  And I'm making "petted" a word, too.  I'd post the video but apparently it's not in the right format to upload, and I'm too lazy to figure that out, so here are some photos.  Maybe sometime I'll post the video in a separate moose-related post...

what are you doing?

Not sure that's a good idea...

Ok, whatev.  These bushes are too delicious.

We also had an orphaned baby hanging around a lot.  And, a whole other one (I hope!) who decided that our garden fence line would be a good place to...lie down and die.  (no photos of *that* but omg what do you do with a dead baby moose? No one wants to help you with that...)

Anyhoo...we're EMPTY NESTERS now, and it's hilarious how many people use that whispery-concerned voice when we tell them that, like we've just suffered a bereavement, and they ask "Soooo, how's *that* going? Are you guys, you know, doing ok?"  And we're like, "Ummm, yeah.  We're fine with it."  Why wouldn't we be?  We raised our girls to be independent, smart, capable women, and, voila---there they are; doing life, and rocking it.  Our oldest got married last April, and we hosted a beautiful evening reception in our back yard in June for them, followed by our youngest graduating from high school in June and moving to her own apartment in July.

Are they sweet or what?

Purple sky unedited and just...amazing! What a beautiful night!!

On a side note, I did totally finally manage to get that cookbook project published, which I promise I will write about in another post.

And, since Shane and I started out as best friends who also find each other incredibly hot (I know, awkward TMI), then took a detour into parenthood, we now find ourselves with all this empty house and free time together and, wait--what? --possibly some discretionary money that's just...for us?  What's THAT about?  When I find extra money in the bank account, I'm immediately glancing over my shoulder and wondering "Wait-what bill did I miss?" Still adjusting to that.  And guess what? IT'S FREAKING AWESOME.  It's like when we were in our 20s and we could just...get up and go out if we felt like it.  Out to dinner.  To the bookstore.  To Home Depot (yes, girls, we still do that on Sundays).  We may even take a road trip sometime.     

I know.  Crazy.

It helps that we still are best friends who find each other incredibly hot (even though we qualify as what my 80s-highschool self would call "totally super old"), and we still love to do everysinglething together and enjoy each other's company immensely.  I love that we have the place to ourselves.  I do love when our girls come and visit, and we have a houseful of young people hanging around, relaxing, eating and visiting (and yes, playing on their phones).  But then I love that they all leave and go home at the end of the weekend, too.  So, yeah.  Empty nesting is a revelation.

Ok, what else?  Oh, yeah-- I'll just state once for the record that 2017 MORE OR LESS SUCKED, in spite of some terrific bright spots.  In general, it was just like one punch in the junk after another.  Like, can we get a break here yet? And apparently the answer to *that* question was a resounding "no", for most of 2017.  Oh sure, it had its good moments, but seriously...2017 will be remembered as the Year From Hell, more or less.  Our youngest graduated and moved out, and we had about ONE WEEK of "whoopie, we're empty-nesters" before Shane was diagnosed with a destroyed hip joint that was rapidly deteriorating and would require a total hip replacement as soon as possible.  *cue Jaws music here*

For a guy who works outside, on his feet, in and out of equipment all day every day, this was bad news.  Bad, bad.  It also meant we skipped all the things last summer that meant walking anywhere.  No hunting.  No walking around the fair.  No wandering around Home Depot.  No walking ANYwhere that wasn't 100% necessary, because he was in so . much . pain.  And the narcotics and even the non-narcotics that they gave him for the pain made him depressed and super...cranky...to be honest.  Even he noticed it.  The hydrocodones also gave him terrifying nightmares along with the depression, so he mainly just powered through with Tylenol and Ibuprofen.  Not fun-- at all.  For either of us.

He dragged his leg around from June through December, barely able to walk some days because of the pain, plus his hip would randomly give out and he'd fall.  He did manage to work until December 13th, when he went in for a total hip replacement.  To make a long (long, long, painful) story shorter...he came through it with absolute flying colors and was back at work 3 weeks later, on his feet, outside, in the snow, moving logs.  My brother actually moved out and stayed with us for most of the winter, and was a huge help at the log yard and as a backup watchdog for Shane, which made me feel a little more at ease watching him go out in the snow to work.  I'd send them off to work in the morning and be mouthing to Jesse behind Shane's back "do NOT let him fall down!!"  So yeah...that's behind us, thank God.  I'm not posting any surgical photos, though.  You're welcome.

THEN we took a amazing and much-needed Disney trip to DisneyWorld with a cruise to the Bahamas and back, which was almost literally just what the doctor ordered.  Somehow we also rolled the dice with letting them assign our room category, and we scored the BEST stateroom ever, with like 40' of private deck at the back corner of the ship.  It was absolute heaven.  We've always gotten an inside-mushrooms-in-the-dark stateroom, but this was so worth it, just......so much yes.

our room was about 3 decks from the top, right side, upper corner.  HUGE wraparound deck...

And of course, I always get home from Florida and immediately start already planning the next time I can see palm trees because - duh - Idaho - palm trees.

As I write this, it is still cold enough to snow here (March 26th) and too early too cold to go outside and start on any garden stuff yet, though I do have my seeds and potting soil and trowel all at the ready, so I can get our vegetables started for this year.

We also bought a meat smoker, and I didn't think I would, but I've officially fallen in love with smoking our own meat!  So far we've smoked some salmon, our own bacon, and our own ham, and omg-- the taste...can't.even.  I die.  IT'S SO YUMMY.

My first smoked ham

Oh, and if you're still wondering about the wrecked-gift-Jetta from the opening, well, yeah...everyone's fine.  The Jetta's not.  So, that's probably about all we need to say about that...

Boyfriend: 1.  Jetta: 0.

Oh, and the Christmas party we sometimes host, where I make like 45 different appetizers that don't need a fork (no matter what Aunt Alice says..), and start baking in like October, was AWESOME.  We squeezed something like 64 people in our downstairs, and it was just a lovely time with everyone.  Shane's surgery was the following Tuesday, so we wanted to see everyone before he was down for recovery.  I'm already looking forward to doing it again this year.

The List

Anyway, I just thought I'd do a quick(ish) update.  Hopefully I'll start writing more often, now that 2017 is over and done, and it took its black cloud/punch-you-in-the-junk mood with it.

Plus, there are more of my hippie childhood stories that are too good not to share, so stay tuned.

Thanks for reading, and hope you're all having a lovely start to 2018.  It's gotta be better, right?

Say Anything

I know, if you can't say something nice...  but what if you can't say something interesting?

Just say anything, I guess.

my whole weekend so far--

I'd say something interesting, but I'm not into baring my soul to the world at large, especially when my "world at large" includes...pretty much everyone I know.  I mean, I'd possibly be more comfortable if I didn't know most of you, because who cares what strangers think, right? ME

And I'd try to say something funny, but I think all my funny is used up for now, and that would also require concentration and making words fit together, which is a skill I seem to have depleted lately.  This also explains why I have several tabs open on my computer right now that are unfinished things that need to be finished before lunch and it's 11:48 a.m.  And I just remember I have a 1:30 chiropractic appointment, and I haven't showered yet...

So, that explains my state of mind today.  Hey, I did say something, right there...

Since it's Good Friday and a special holiday weekend for us, and I don't have any deep thoughts about candy flavors or shoes or tips for driving, dressing, or using Facebook, and I'm out of fun family stories, I thought I'd just share our weekend menu ideas here, instead of on Pinterest.  Because everyone knows Pinterest is where entire days of nonrefundable time go to die.

This is also a shout out to any of my vegan friends, because our youngest has been more or less vegan for about 6 weeks, and I'm trying to create dishes she can or will eat, while still including the dyed-in-the-wool dishes we always eat.  And, since butter, cream, wheat and meat are very central to our special occasion meals, I'm somewhat stumped.  I go completely all Paula Deen for holiday meals.  BECAUSE BUTTER Y'ALL.

For some reason, I also haven't started on any of our food yet.  Not like I haven't started baking yet...like, I haven't even been to the grocery store yet.  Which also means tomorrow I will be in the kitchen freaking out going WHY DIDN'T I START ALL THIS ON WEDNESDAY??

Procrastinating.  Procrastinating is why I didn't start all this on Wednesday.  That, and a lot of knitting.  And my nails are wet.  And because DOG.    It's a busy life, OK?

Without further ado, here's the bar I've set for my holiday Martha/Paula alter ego this weekend.  Bearing in mind that it's just the three of us...so, picture SMALL amounts of everything, except I'm also trying to use up about about 7 dozen extra eggs from our chickens, who must have heard our youngest's new vegan rule and decided they had something to prove.

Homemade hand-dipped chocolates with coconut and peanut-butter
Homemade peeps.  ain't nobody got time for that
Iced sugar cookies  (and by "iced", I mean, I may take a butter knife to them with some icing on it)
Angel food cake with raspberry-current preserves from the garden
Breakfast crepes with apricot preserves
Organic ham from our own pigs
Steamed asparagus (we grow it, but Lord knows it's sure not ready YET, because we live in Narnia)
Homemade pickles
Mashed potatoes
Spinach salad with feta, dried cranberries, almonds and raspberry vinaigrette
  OR - pea salad, because spring
Paska - Ukrainian Easter bread
Creme caramel (and no, we don't have a milk cow.  I heard that.)
Hard-boiled eggs (did I even need to say that?)

*ponders a moment*

Yeah....Not much of this ties in with our vegan OR  plant-based, wheat-free diet idea.  *shrugs*

Have a beautiful weekend!  Hopefully next time I'll have something more interesting to say.

 Feel free to chime in if you have vegan substitutions that non-vegans would also love...

A Post About Nothing. Because Christmas Break, OK?

I know.  I KNOW, I haven't posted in like forever (and ever), but, you guys...life, and stuff.

I'm still in total vacation mode, which means I'm still in slippers and a t-shirt at noon, and my reflection in my laptop screen is screaming COULD YOU PLEASE AT LEAST BRUSH YOUR HAIR??!?  For the love, woman.  I can only hope the 5" of new snow we got (and haven't shoveled off the walkway) and today's 40+ mph winds and blowing snow will deter anyone from ringing my doorbell to tell me I've possibly won 200 million dollars, because wouldn't that just suck?  You should see what I'm wearing.  Not even kidding:  green shirt, slouchy hand-knit turquoise-and-grey-striped socks (that I made), and red slippers.  It's that bad.  (Also the shirt is very long, but it does highlight my unshaved calves nicely).

Vacation mode also means I can't think hard enough to recall or compose any fun Time Traveler stories or re-write lyrics to Christmas songs to match housewife-ly standards, like "On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to meeeeeeee....FIVE DUST BUNNIES, four calling in-laws, three French breadsIcan'teat, two rubber dish-gloves, and a DUSTPAN FU-ULLL OF DIRT."  Besides, that's been done (probably a LOT, and by much funnier authors).

Instead, I thought I'd update today with one of those things that I think should get more attention, and since the media is so busy with, you know, newsy stuff, I'm just going to say it.  I'm talking about, yes, blue sourpatch kids.  

Oh yes. *whispers*  I went there.

I'm still up in arms about them, but no one has done anything about it. I had almost lost hope and was reduced to wandering around the house muttering to myself and eating Christmas cookies, and then I found THIS in my Christmas stocking, from my oldest, who understands my pain.

I can't tell you how much this made me laugh

Seriously.  Stop.

Aside from this vital update on current affairs...I hope everyone had a beautiful Christmas Day, and I wish you a happy New Year!

I Can't Remember What They're Called...but I May Have Just Created One

2010

You know, where something happens, and that causes something else to happen, which couldn't happen unless the first thing had/hadn't happened, but neither can happen without the other, and then you're back where you started?

One of those.  Worm hole? Time-space continuum? Time warp?  Chicken crossing the road?  No, wait--

Anyway.

It's time to decorate the house because CHRISTMAS.  Which is my favorite time of year, except summer.  My life pretty much revolves around "When's summer?" and "When's Christmas?"

2011

Guys.  To fully decorate our house, it means basically A TREE IN EVERYSINGLEROOM OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE HOUSE.  Seriously.  I think there are like 9 now, even one in a bathroom.  Two 6-foot, three 4-foot, one 3-foot, two 18", and one 12" which doesn't really count, but 9 sounds better than 8 when I'm making up lists of why I have too much to do or  making holiday predictions, right?  Let's just call it an even dozen.

The time warp/worm hole/quantum thing comes into effect, though, because, to decorate I need to have a plate of Christmas cookies.  And I haven't made Christmas cookies yet.  And I can't even HAVE Christmas cookies because I'm on a whole-food/one-ingredient/raw food type diet (which is working, but it's not like it's FUN or anything), so why make them?  And if I can't have Christmas cookies, which I haven't baked, I can't decorate, and I can't decorate unless I make cookies first and have a little plate while decorating the tree, and I can't make cookies because--

You can see where this is going, right? 

2012

Also, decorating means pulling some of the decorations and trees out of the attic, which means moving stuff out of the garage to get TO the attic.  And of course, while we're up there, we should take some stuff UP there that's been sitting in the garage since, like, August.  Try not to look around and find anything that I forgot about.  HEY! WHY IS MY PUNCH BOWL UP HERE?  OH LOOK, THEIR BABY TOYS!!!

Focus! You came up here for trees.

Actually, the bulk of our holiday decor is in the backbackback of the coat closet, in a dark cavern under the stairs, and that means pulling out EVERY SINGLE COAT, HAT, AND BOOT to pull out all the boxes, which in itself never thrills me, because then I start thinking we should totally give away some of these coats because for the love of God, WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY COATS?  And then I start sorting gloves and wondering the same thing, except with the addition of why can't they stay matched UP, and why doesn't Shane have any boots?  I should have a cookie.

It also means trying to figure out where to put the big tree in the living room--there are only two choices--and either one means moving ALL THE FURNITURE around, which means OMG LOOK AT ALL THAT DUST, and then I have to sweep and vacuum and possibly look for a new house or at least fire the maid.

hahahAHAHAHAHAHAHA    ...yeah, no.  There's no maid here.

Anyway.  I HAVE to decorate, because we are also having The Christmas Party here this year.  Which means, like, 60 people and 10,000 varieties of finger food and lots of laughing our heads off, (and lots of cookies), and I can't start all THAT until the trees are up, and the trees can't go up because no COOKIES.  I don't even know if I can do this without baking first.

I could just bake some.  But then I'd have to do dishes first, and possibly go the store because I'm pretty sure I'm low on butter, which means I'd have to also get dressed (and find some cash), and that's just too much right now.  I've only been up for an hour, so this all seems like too much on my (cookie-less) plate.

*sighs*

Well, I guess I'll go stare into that closet now.  Thanks for listening.

Jack, enjoying the tree   2013

Bring Back the Awesome--The Un-Funny Post

A break from funny.  If you're here for humor--skip this one.

It's been a hard year for a lot of people, and I feel like I need to take a moment to say that, yes, I joke about everything, but behind that, it has been an exceptionally difficult year for us.  Permit me to wear my heart on my sleeve, just this once, and we will then return to my regularly scheduled nonsense.

I don't know why, but our family and friends have gone through more in the last 12 months than in our whole prior life combined.  We have collectively weathered bankruptcies, foreclosures, repossessions, judgments, lawsuits, and job losses.  We have seen the close of blood-sweat-and-tears businesses and the death of dreams.  We have seen people we thought were friends…choose to not be there for us when we needed them.  My brother was hit by a car while riding his bicycle.  A business associate/friend was involved in a double fatality accident which also rendered him unable to work and unavailable to our business--both accidents have still not been untangled. 

We have watched friends and loved ones suffer painful and deadly medical diagnoses, dismembering accidents, marital problems, infidelity, divorce, infertility issues, unplanned pregnancies, frighteningly wayward adult children, and drug addictions. We have lost close friends and family to deaths due to illness, accident and suicide (including two on the same day, on Easter weekend).  I have been to more funerals this year than ever before.  Three more in my circle of loved ones are at death's door as I write; basically the next call we expect will be the one saying they're gone. 

Our business, which thankfully has no lack of customers, has had one mechanical breakdown after another, literally weekly.  It's cost us thousands extra per month to try to maintain working machines so we can keep our business producing.  It's always just enough to give us hope that next week might be better, but somehow also never quite enough to get back to feeling solid ground underfoot.  Then something else will break, and another $500-2000.00 will be needed for repairs, and I'm sitting at my desk again, wondering whether to pay the mortgage or get the equipment that is our lifeblood running again (like some kind of morbid "income roulette"). 

We have experienced unrelenting blow after unrelenting blow weekly, if not daily, and they keep coming, right up to yesterday, when we heard that two more much-loved people might have serious medical issues, both under 39 years old. We find out more soon.  Hopefully it's nothing.  We're praying that it's nothing.  It has to be nothing.

I thought of writing a detailed list of everything we've weathered this year, in chronological order, as a recap of what we've survived and watched our loved ones go through, but even mentally tallying the last 12 months up took me so long and was so depressing that I gave it up.  And there's certainly no humor in any of it. 

Usually my blog is just about my funny slant on life, or shallow and sarcastic rants about whatever, and I don't share anything too personal or real on it, because many acquaintances read it, and I don't usually feel ready to share this with them, but so many people have the same story this year, and I wanted to say (once), that beneath all the joking here, lurk the same hardships many of you are facing every day.  Writing stuff that makes me laugh is a way to focus on something other than the stack of bills on my desk or the next email or phone call telling me what fresh hell has run amok in my small and happy universe today.  So if I make you laugh too, or even just distract you from the same headaches, with my rambly musings, then I'm glad if I've helped a bit.

I have spent more time crying in the shower, at my desk, on the kitchen floor, in the car, and in bed, this year than any other year of my life. Sometimes it's a daily thing--I don't even bother with makeup a lot of days because, hello--that stuff runs.  I can only hope that 2014 brings something better, and I'm sure it will.  Basically my life is usually awesome and happy and completely content, but after a year like this, it makes you tired, trying to keep seeing everything through AWESOME GLASSES, and yeah, it's OK if we need to cry sometimes.

When I started tallying up the depressing chronology of this year, I stopped.  Because there is a PLUS side.  We have our little family and our health, and our beloved home, and we have each other and our faith in things to come.  We have two kids who are doing great and turning into beautiful, funny adults. We have a happy marriage of rare and epic closeness, full of laughter and friendship and still-crazy attraction after 27 years, for which I am eternally grateful. We rely on each other and our faith to get us through what has been our hardest year ever.  Long hugs and countless wordless gestures of affection and deep appreciation for each other have saved the day many times, for both of us. 

I don't know why we go through trials, except to remind us from whence comes our strength, but--we're all still here, and I know we will get through all this.

I don't have a resolution for the New Year…just a hope that it will be a better year than the last one.  (Also to lose 25 pounds by working out everysingleday, learn another language, save $50,000, and get our whole property weeded.  Nothing big.)

I think this year, that phrase about being kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting their own private battle, rings more true than ever, for everyone.

Whatever your trial is right now, look around--you are not alone.  This Christmas we need to remember, it's not about the gifts--it's about our time together, and if we can brighten someone's day by a smile or a word, we should.  Who knows if it's not the gesture that saves their day?

And here's to 2014 being the year to bring back the awesome. I'm ready.

Auto-Text-Correct Fail

Conversation with my brother last Saturday, when I'd been driving since 7 a.m., had been home 5 times for 45 minutes at a time, and was on my 5th trip out of the house in 5-degree weather.   I had my hands full and was overheating waiting at the mall for one of the kids, bundled up for the cold, when my phone went off.
_____

Jesse:  Hey it's your long-lost brother.  I need to get a Christmas list for you guys if you have time.

Me:  Oh Lord.  I'm at the mall in a coat and sewage, too hot! and it's 2 degrees outside.  gahhh

Me:  Not sewage. 

Me:  Sweater.  I'm in  SWEATER.  !#^&$

Jesse:  Nice auto text. 

Me:  I've been driving all day and won't be home for awhile.  Can I call you when I'm home.  and not in  A SWEATER.

Jesse:  Sweet.


Sewage???  from "sweater" ?  What the actual heck, autocorrect?

Of Black Friday, Shakespeare, and Sit-Ins...

The ultimate wordsmith...

First let me say that I have never shopped Black Friday.  Even before it was a thing...I never went out shopping for any sales the day after Thanksgiving, or the day after Christmas.  Then it became a thing and I was like, "What?"  And now it's become a whole 2-day thing where people plan for weeks and strategize and sleep in front of doorways and trample each other for Playstations or Kitchenaids.  I can only hope that in 300 years...THOSE are not the images the future will look back on and see of our culture, but I digress.

Leaving aside that the retailers could totally prevent this crap by not opening at 8 pm the night before or 3 a.m. on Friday or whatever causes the mayhem, and realizing that it wouldn't matter one way or the other what I did on Friday, but hey--I like to contribute--so I decided to stage my own one-person protest sit-in over the weekend.  Which I did, by staying AT HOME, unplugged from the world, with all my techie stuff turned OFF all weekend.  (Remember when a real test of humanity would be, like, climbing Mt Kilimanjaro or something?  Yeah...no.)

We don't have TV anyway, so that's nothing new to go without, but I turned off the computer and didn't go in my office except for severely necessary work-related things.  I turned off the wifi.  And my e-book.  And my Facebook.  And Twitter.  I used my phone just to CALL people.  (Actually, just to receive calls; I even refused to call anyone). 

Instead I baked and sat in the hot tub with hot cocoa, and I slept IN with my husband, and I laughed my head off with my kids, and I very slowly and deliberately read a paper copy of Shakespeare's Richard II (because I'm a medieval English history freak, that's why).  Oh, and I didn't pay any bills or talk about money, which made it almost like they didn't exist.  (almost)

...and?

It was AWESOME. 

Aside from spending the weekend saying to myself, "Huh.  I'm having my own protest about Black Friday and consumerism and the overuse TO DEATH of technology and social media...and no one even knows about it, because I can't get online to tell them."

So, while I didn't go shopping, I did reconnect with books with PAPER pages, and I fell in love all over again with William Shakespeare and with my house and my family.  I cleaned and did laundry and just lived here, instead of sitting at my desk (which is also *here*, but sort of doesn't count as being home, because when I'm at my desk, it qualifies as *working*, even though yes, I'm technically at home).

I'm planning to spend as much of December as unplugged as possible--I can't wait to see how it goes.

Try it sometime.  You won't believe the stuff you will get done, plus--sometimes a great book, a quiet afternoon, a clean living room and a cup of perfect coffee are really just what the doctor ordered.

Well...I Never Did Look Good In a Turban

Serves me right for trying to predict anything.  So far I'm down one.  Which, to me, is like: FAIL.

 

I usually spend at least a full two days before Thanksgiving in the kitchen. Today I have spent the WHOLE ENTIRE DAY driving in the car, and will be out on and off still until 9 p.m.  I have been home for 60 minutes at a time.  Three times.  I haven't even put the groceries away from this morning (Ok, yes, the milk and whatnot, but nothing else). So nothing, I repeat nothing, is getting done so far. No bread. No pudding. No pies. No dips. I did boil some eggs yesterday. And the turkey is defrosting, I think.

 

I need to start a group called Over-Ambitious Anonymous. Unless there already is one, then I just need to join it.  Although if I put it on my to do list, at the rate I'm going, I'll miss the first meeting anyway.  Sigh

 

I'm starting to like my aunt's tried-and-true description of cooking.  Here's her idea of cooking, in her own words:  "I wait til I'm hungry, turn on the oven to 400 degrees, and set the timer for 15 minutes. Then, I open the freezer and see what fits that 'recipe'.  Done deal.  Go out and play."

 

I love her.

 

 

 

Holiday Predictions--I'm Like The Gypsy Queen of Foretelling My Own Future

Not yours, though, so don't get excited and ask me for anything.  With you, anything could happen…sorry.

No...this isn't what I meant. 

For example, this summer, when I was surveying the sheer quantity of vegetables we would be harvesting from the garden that we'd waited 5 years to re-plant, a voice in my head (which sounded exactly like the Wicked Witch from Oz) said "You'll be canning vegetables right up until Thanksgiving, you fool."  Of course, I ignored the voice, and I hoped it was wrong. 

Turns out, it was right.  Exactly, to the day.

Yesterday I finished canning the last batch of borscht from our late beets and put away the canning pot in the garage.  On my way back INTO the house, I brought the turkey in to defrost. 

On.  The.   Same.   Day.  

I know, scary, huh?  And then the smartass other voice that I try not to let talk back too much said "Well, at least I won't be canning ON THANKSGIVING.  I win."  So, there's that.  I talk to myself way too much.

I can, however, predict some other things that will happen here soon.  We'll just see if I'm right…

1.  Starting Monday, I will be baking ALL THE THINGS for Thanksgiving.  Homemade everything.  It's like my Martha gene goes into overdrive at the holidays.  There will be (the intention of) homemade marshmallows, caramels wrapped in wax paper, 5 different pies with fruits from the garden, chocolate pudding, mashed sweet yams and garlic mashed potatoes, homemade cheese nips and deep-fried Panko-crusted cheese balls with homemade hot sauce.  And the cheese dip! Artichoke dip! Crab dip! Mini beef wellingtons (ok, with store bought puff pastry, I cut myself some slack, people!).  Shrimp cocktail with homemade sauce!   Vegetable and meat trays!  200 deviled eggs, because that's how many extra eggs I HAVE right now from the overabundant CHICKENS I signed up for last spring.  Braided sweet breads with homemade cranberry butter.  The list goes on…

Wait.  It's just US, right?  Possibly unfortunately, I know how to cook enough for 40, but my Martha gene has a hard time deciphering whether there's actually 40, or if it's just for the 4 of us.  So, I always try to pare it down.  Simplify.  But no.  It's a FREAKING HOLIDAY, PEOPLE.  WE MUST HAVE ALL THIS YUMMY FOOD.  It won't be the same if we don't have everysinglething on the list!

And there IS a list, too.  I have kept a list of everything I've made for every holiday since like 1997, in a book all its own.  No reason.  But it's interesting to have, and I like to flip back through the years.  Then I'll see something and think, OMG, we have to make THAT! How did I forget those?  And so on.

2.  Since I'm done canning, (well…sort of…there's still a wheelbarrow of ripening tomatoes in the garage that I am currently ignoring), I will possibly be able to get back to the Lady of Leisure thing that I was expecting more of this year.  Oh sure, I did my share of leisure-ing around in my first year off from being a crazy wedding cake baker, but not what you'd call serious lazing.  Soon, though.  Maybe January.

2-1/2.  Actually, what happens next will be the MAKE ALL THE CRAFTS phase of the year, which is where I make homemade Everything for gifts.  This year I'm thinking candles.  Hand-dipped tapers.  And possibly votives.  Definitely votives.  And wouldn't it be nice to knit some little---ahh, STOP.  I won't be knitting anything little for anyone; there isn't time.  But the tapers, yes, I think that could happen.

Around here...this is Christmas music

3.  I also predict much LESS time online.  Once the snow falls and the trees are up (we have 8 Christmas trees, it's a Thing here--one in every room, pretty much), and the Christmas music is playing every day (Sinatra era only, baby), I love the idea of slowing things dooooowwwwnnnn and detaching from the world out there.  I don't care what's in the news.  I don't want to see what the Kardashians are doing, or wearing, for the holidays.  (Who ARE they, anyway?? I don't get it.)  I don't have TV, so the internet is it, and that's easy to leave disconnected.  I feel more…present…in my life, without the internet.  We all do, I think, and it should be practiced more.  Hence, I also predict the time spent blogging will decline while I actually do this stuff, but I can always write about it later.

At Thanksgiving, I find myself wanting to sit by the fire in a cozy chair with a hot chocolate, to hand-write my Christmas lists and cards, with a calligraphy pen, in my best penmanship.  Penmanship! Remember WRITING?  With pens and stuff?  I'd use a feather nib and an old inkwell for my Christmas lists, but I'm pretty sure they're hard to find, and I'm such a klutz that we'd end up with no one getting cards, or all of them covered in ink blots ("Wow, I think Shane and Stef are doing good.  Or maybe this is a cry for help…"), or I'd spill the ink on the carpet and myself and have to renovate the WHOLE ENTIRE UPSTAIRS.  So, ok, maybe just a pen.  Or even a pencil, so I could erase stuff like "please just send money this year". 

But, remember penmanship? The gentle smooth drop down and curving uppppp and backwards of a cursive "g"?  The capital S?  How hard "f" was?  (I remember that, because I had one in my name--I hated "f"s).  And those dotted-line-between-the-solid-lines notepads, where you practiced it all? 

Moving on…

4.  I also predict more exercising happening, because…cookies, you guys.  We are a house of girls, so we are ALWAYS on a diet, pretty much.  Carbs are from the devil, most days.  And since my Martha gene refuses not to make ALL THE THINGS for the holidays, that means there's a constant battle between the Martha gene ("Try these butter cookies and eggnog!") and the wicked witch ("You'll get fat, my pretty, and your little cat, too!!").  So, maybe more exercise.  But, without the canning pot going 8 hours a day, I now have time to work out if I want. 

BwahahahahaHAHA.  If I *want*?   (muffled laughter)   Sorry…  I never *want* to work out.  It's more of a "should" thing, but "want"?  Um, no.  I'd rather just wake up tomorrow with the body I wished for.  Or how about the one I already used to have, effortlessly.  Is that so hard?  I already HAD it.  Where'd it go?? Maybe it's because I didn't appreciate it enough then.       (Body!! I'm sorry!!)

5. I also predict less Facebook and probably no Twitter, unless I need a traffic report.  I love all my friends, but at the holidays I want to actually SEE them and hear their voices, not read status updates.  By the way, "Having coffee…" doesn't count as an interesting status update unless you can finish the sentence with "…on the moon.  With Morgan Freeman."    Digressing again, sorry.

6.  Also more time to work on the cookbook project, which I started and WILL finish, though it's turning into a longer project than I expected.  But *I* can't even wait to use that book! ALL THE THINGS!  In ONE book!  I could clean out my whole cupboard--well, almost. 

As for you all…I can't predict for you, but I wish you the most blessed and safe Thanksgiving week, full of everything and everyone you're most thankful for.  We have had an interesting year here, and we have so much to be thankful for!  I won't elaborate, but please remember to  Shower the People You Love With Love.  Or cookies, or candles...or whatever is your Thing. 

I'm off to the kitchen, my happy place.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!