Of Nail Polish, Dead Chickens, and Garden Fences

In case you recall, I mentioned in one of my last (long ago) posts that I'd fallen down the rabbit freaking HOLE that is Instagram, and into the world of indie nail polishes, so I got side tracked for like six months doing all that.  And, posting to Instagram every morning with a fun/funny caption has totally sapped my mojo for blogging, and then I realized what the heck am I doing? I should be blogging this stuff.

See? Omg, they CAN grow.

So, yeah.

ANYhoo....

Gosh, where to even start? If you've read my garden posts along the way, you might know that we started building a fence around our vegetable garden about one thousand years ago back when Lincoln was President OK NINE, NINE YEARS AGO WE STARTED ON THE FENCE.  And we screwed in the Very Last Bolt...last...night.  *clinks glass*

The view from the deck.  Finally (hopefully) NO DEER

Which means, it's time to start planting vegetables for real, even though right now, today, is the hottest day we have had in like the last 80 years of June weather, (93 degrees does not happen here in June, people, just...why).  So, I spent yesterday outside, lurking from shady spot to shady spot and pretending to rake rocks out of the new area we uncovered to plant in, and trying to pretend like a headache, dizzy spells, and cold sweats are normal for planting season.  They're not, I'm pretty sure...

I did manage to get a lot of things planted, but there is still the whole other side of the garden to plant, and THAT side doesn't get any shade at all, so maybe tomorrow I'll do that.  Because tomorrow turns out to be the best time to do a lot of things, as it turns out.

This morning I decided to chuck any pretense of gardening and spent the morning painting my nails (which have, yes, survived for six month, due to my finally learning that oil is the secret--more on that some other time), making laundry soap, paying bills, and disposing of dead chicken bodies.  Wait--you didn't have dead chicken bodies in your morning routine?  You should totally try it.  I don't even know why this one died...she was acting all "I'm not feeling too hot" yesterday, which is probably a bad pun, because it was effing HOT yesterday, and I kept moving her into the shade because she was being all wilty and lethargic.  I knew this morning that she'd probably not have made it, and sadly, she hadn't, so I had a little ceremony where I grimace a lot and use gloves and several garbage bags and a lot of wishing there was someone else to do this right now, and removed the body.   ewww

Actually, we had some unknown mystery predator break into our main hen coop about a week ago and violently kill three of my favorite hens, including Pearl, my white Americauna, who was like a pet, so possibly this one yesterday had been injured then, and only just now died?  They weren't eaten, just had their necks stretched to oblivion and left lying around the pen, and there was a fairly small opening pushed up on the roof line wire where whatever it was, climbed UP the fence and pushed out through the top. I had ten, and now I'm suddenly down to six hens in that coop... wah...

Wondering who's next? Hopefully no one...

So, now I'm inside waiting for it to finish getting all the way hot for the day, so I can go outside and pretend to rake rocks and plant more vegetables again while trying not to pass out in the garden.  Or possibly not.  I could just be going to take a nap or work on my latest giant undertaking, which is a 3 x 4' cross-stitched tapestry replica of an actual giant medieval tapestry that I hope to have finished before I die retire.

What the finished product will be...

Where I'm at right now...

So there you have it.  And I promise or pinkie swear or whatever, to try to write more often than every four or six months, because you KNOW so many stupid/interesting/funny/randomly awkward things happen around here way more often than that...I just forget to write them down.

Or you could just get on Instagram and see what I've actually been up to...  *sorry*!

Ok, go back to whatever you were doing.

My "Disconnected" Life

Guys.  I have a confession to make.  Well, more like a statement to make.  Or maybe it's just like a memo that you didn't get yet, which totally hasn't mattered, because you're sitting there all living your life and not really knowing that I've been over here going through all kinds of epiphanies and stuff.  And since I may or may not have lots of words to say about all of it, I also compiled a bunch of fun photos to make this more like a photographic memo, which should make it more fun for me for you.  

So here goes-

I don't remember what the date was, but it was maybe two weeks ago now, when I turned on the internet news and saw that there had been a(nother) college campus shooting by a(nother) demented...I don't even know the word.  For the sake of clarity, we'll just call him a terrorist.  He doesn't deserve any attention.  Anyway, of course I read the story, because the whole entire world drops everything and reads these stories.  And something in me just snapped.

This happened in Oregon, where I have lived before.  I adore Oregon.  Roseburg is one of the towns we always drove through and said "Hey, we should totally MOVE here, because it's gorgeous and quiet".  So, for this to happen there, really just got me.  Plus, he targeted Christians.  Blatantly.  Executed.  Christians.  Which is what I am.  Which means, if we'd moved to Roseburg and sent our oldest to that college (could happen), our family could have been living through this nightmare right now, with all those other families who are living through it.  

I won't try to wax eloquent on that, but I read the first day's worth of news on that story, and I just...cracked.  I'm done.  I don't want to know what's going on out there any more.  I don't want to hear how evil people can be.  I don't want to see the endless debates about whether this was or was not a terrorist attack or how it revolves around gun control or not.  I don't want to see a constant stream of photos of loved ones grieving the sudden loss of a child/husband/fiance/friend.  I'm just...done.

I turned off the internet and walked away from my desk.  I spent a solid week avoiding my desk, except to work.  I had to use the internet connection to run customer credit card transactions and answer emails, but other than that, when I opened the Google main page with that search bar and all my saved page tabs at the top of the screen, I just stared at it for a minute, then clicked it *off* and walked away.

Actually, it gave me kind of a satisfyingly wicked sense of control to decline the invitation of that blinking mouse cursor, waiting for me to click my way back into the harsh reality that is the world today.  Kind of like that feeling you get when you really want a piece of cake but you're on a diet so you grab a carrot stick instead, and you feel all strong and grown up and girl power-ish.

So, I read more books.  I worked on a crochet Christmas gift.  I played with the dog.  I got re-obsessed with nail polish because why not?  I adore nail polish.  I continued with our South Beach diet, which is working and is a story for another post because yay, weight loss!

We went camping, even further from the world of internet and terrorists and in-your-face angst and online trolls (what is with the comments online? Are they even people?).  No cell service for 3 days was heaven.  I sat by the lake with the dog.  We sat around campfires with our large extended family of in-laws, cousins, nephews, nieces, and parents and just enjoyed each other and the mountains.  I read some more.  On the way up, I had to call a sister-in-law to ask her why all the flags were at half-mast, because I hadn't heard any news for over a week, and God forbid...what's happened now?  She wasn't sure, so I took that as a good sign that hopefully nothing earth-shattering had happened.  (I think it was for the funerals from the above event).

When we got home, I did get back online to keep my French lessons current, because that's just a goal I want to accomplish.  I  have enjoyed my Instagram account just for nail art and nail polish because, again, why not?  I haven't checked Twitter.  I haven't checked Facebook.  No, wait--I did log on accidentally and see my feed once, and the first thing I saw was a comment by a loved one that just made me want to scream "REALLY??!? You're saying that? ONLINE?"  I composed a message to elaborate my point, then deleted it and logged out. Walked away shaking my head.  I went back outside with my coffee and shook it off by listening to the waterfall and the birds, watched the yellow leaves rain down from our birch tree, and enjoyed that only-in-the-fall juxtaposition of sun on my face and cool nip in the breeze.

Ahh, much better.

OK, in all fairness to the internet and the goodness thereof, I do have a few blogs that I still read, because they show up in my email in box, and this morning I *did* have to Google "how to get the smell of dirty socks out of clean dried laundry" (which is probably self-explanatory, and also gives you a peek into my laundry life that is possibly TMI).

Other than that, I haven't been back online.  I just don't even care any more.  If any good news comes along, I'd be happy to hear about it.  Other than that, I'm just done.  Not hiding from reality, just...blocking it out of our house, which is our haven from the world, and I'm going to keep it that way.

Wow, that was a lot of words.  But then, if you're reading this, you're probably not surprised.

In case you skimmed this just to look at the pictures, here's a pictorial essay that says the same thing, but with less words.

So I turned off my internet...

...AND social media, because NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU'RE HAVING FOR DINNER

Yo.     Stop.

My friends, when I tell them I haven't been online for 10 DAYS..."Whaaat?"

Them:  "Doesn't that feel like you're living in a CAVE? How can you TURN OFF THE INTERNET?"

Me:  I already explained this.  WITH PICTURES.

It feels kind of like this...

...And THIS.  But with more laundry and dishes.  And less  beach

Still.  No internet = Very little negative crap in my life.

I WIN.




Still need more?

Hold my calls.  I'll be outside painting my nails.

More Facebook Tips From Under a Rock

Ok, yes, I've said this before, but there's always more to say, about social media. 

The other day I was laughing at what I call my "ever-shrinking list" of friends on Facebook.  Most people on Facebook have like 462 FRIENDS.  Which just says:  "DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE AS POPULAR AS ME?  I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE".  Is it a popularity contest?   The one with the Most Likes wins?  I lose, then, I guess.  Or I'm doing it wrong...

Hit LIKE if you have a pulse.  You.  Right now.

I do like some of the positive stuff I've seen posted--don't get me wrong.  I've found recipes, news stories, and some truly funny stuff on Facebook.  I have gotten to see the children of my friends from high school, and it's very sweet to know that we're all still alive and well.  

I must be living under a rock, though, because I can't honestly imagine more than about 10 people who I truly want to know what they're up to every.single.day.  Seriously.  Every day? By the hour?  Lord, no.  I don't even need that kind of constant updating from my immediate family.  It makes me yearn for the time when whole hours (or even days, weeks, or months) could pass before you'd hear from some of your friends.  And you still loved each other.  Remember how GREAT it was to catch up with them, in person?  No so, these days.  It's like Detail Overload, only with no human contact.  It's a little freaky.

Hey, we're almost touching!  Want to see a picture of my pets?

Why should any of us think that our friends from high school (or--let's be honest--some of them are really just acquaintances from high school) would want to know what we're eating or drinking, what our kids did over the weekend, or where we're going on vacation?  These are people I sat in a classroom with, (or not?--I can't even remember anymore), something like 28 YEARS AGO.  Not to sound cold-hearted, but I really don't actually care what kind of coffee you had this morning. 

Isn't Facebook proof that we are all so self-centered?  What could be more attention-seeking than to post publicly to 462 people, who you probably don't know that well, that you're "feeling disappointed today"?  Facebook should impose an auto-complete for those vague posts, like this…"THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ASK THE POSTER WHAT'S WRONG SO THEY CAN BE VAGUE AND MYSTERIOUS."  Do we need this kind of constant affirmation that people, even down to our most minor acquaintances, are interested in our life?  Because trust me, they're not.  They're interested in theirs. 

Unfortunately, these are the reasons I find myself turning off feeds of people who I truly do care about (in the real world), simply because my "TMI input" is maxed out.  I just don't need that kind of info every day (no offense, I love them, but--still).  Also, what is with the "What's for dinner" posts? …WHO CARES? We're all busy.  Eating DINNER.  Stop it!  Finish your vegetables!

Or how about the posts where someone you're with will post pictures on FB, and you'll see yourself online instantly, and it's like, "Oh, look…there we are, eating lunch…and I'm STILL CHEWING THAT  SAME BITE OF STEAK." 

Also, for those who haven't mastered the concept of "Bragging is UNattractive" (especially in this economy). It's very nice that some of us can still afford to travel.  Traveling is lovely, and I adore going places. HowEVER, please pay attention:  If you're lucky enough to be planning a weekend getaway, a major vacation, or a hugely romantic evening out--here's a tip:  Unless you are inviting us to join you, please refrain from posting a count-down like this:  "TWENTY DAYS TIL TAKE-OFF! TAHITI HERE WE COME!!! J  SO excited!"  Because most, if not all, of the people who see that on their screen when we sit at our desks in the morning to deal with bills and emails, will just think "Well, whoopdeefrickinDOO for you.  Shut UP," and continue staring into space with our chin on our hand, trying to figure out how to stop foolishly squandering our money on electricity and food.   Or we might be tempted to turn off your feed…

aieeeeee

Not to say I haven't taken some seriously cool trips myself, both with and without our family.  Somehow, though, I've always had the tact to realize that--seriously---no one wanted to hear about it. 

Not before we went ("Guess where weeee're going?"). 

Not while we were there ("Hello from The Bahamas!! Don't you wish you were US right now?"). 

Not after we got back ("Oh my gosh, I'm SO TAN now!  It's so COLD here"). 

If someone asks me about a trip, I think the polite thing to say is, "Yes, it was really nice," and leave it at that, unless they ask for more details.  Then of course I'm happy to tell them whatever they want to know.  Emphasis on "want".

So, every once in awhile, I will cruelly sit at my FB screen and scroll through my 'friends' list, and instead of looking for people to ADD to that list, I'm usually rubbing my chin and considering each name, and thinking…"Well, really.  We worked together for less than a year, more than a decade ago.  You have never so much as even *liked* anything I've posted on here, let alone COMMENTED, so… obviously, we don't need to be in touch.  And if memory serves, we weren't actually friends then anyway."  And so, mercilessly, *click*, I remove our connection.  I mentally apologize to them, and sure, it feels a little heartless, but the truth is, it's not personal.   I'm not mad at them, and I don't dislike them, but chances are, they won't even notice that we're no longer connected (partially because they have 461 other 'friends' still left on their list), which means we probably didn't need to be connected in the first place.

Yay! Everyone Likes Me!

All of this is not to even MENTION the nonsense back-and-forth mudslinging that can get fired up online, usually over nothing.  If you have an argument with someone, take it to them personally.  Don't call them out publicly from behind the safety of your screen.  People will say cruel things online that they would never DREAM of saying in person.  Trust me, I've been there. 

The lesson?  Don't be afraid of the "unfriend" button--and here's to keeping our friends "real". 

-I know… I'm like the Emily Post of Facebook etiquette. 

Facebook Should Have a "Punch" Button

Dear Mark: This is just NOT enough.

I'm not the biggest fan of Facebook, so I'll just throw that out there.  I know I'm not alone, but I felt like I had to Add My Voice.

I get that you can 'Like' someone's post or update or whatever, and I only click 'Like' if I really, actually DO like them.  If you post random song lyrics, happy kittens/rainbows/butterflies with sisterly inspirational poems, or how much you love your husband, I will probably not respond, even though that's nice and all.

What I do wish, is that they gave you other options (besides just 'Like'-- 'Like' is so limiting) for all the random did-I have-to-see-that posts, that I try to weed OUT.  I know, you can select to have someone not "show in your feeds", but if they're family or whatever, then I'm stuck with the almost-as-annoying task of looking them up individually every once in awhile, to see if they have any real news that I might need to see, and then ahhhhhhhhhhHHH noooooo, there are all their daily/hourly profile photo changes and status updates about what the kids had for breakfast/snack/dinner, or the 'how cute is this?' post with the kids hugging/sleeping/dressed as pumpkins/covered in dirt or whatever.

Really, all I would LIKE to receive is just news that, once upon a time, you might have, say, CALLED someone on the phone about (remember back when we used to CALL each other on the phone??  Not text…d-i-a-l  their number and actually say words to each other in real time?)  Stuff you might include in the Christmas newsletter (which I also don't do), or photos you'd send to various family/friends to keep us up to date.  Wow, their kids are sure getting tall! I thought he/she was still about 4 years old.  Has it really been this long?? We should get together more. 

When's the last time you called an acquaintance, who you've possibly never met in person, just to say, "My cats are asleep." See?  TMI.  There should be a filter there.

So, what I do NOT need is hourly updates on everysinglefreakingfacet of your day-to-day life, your marriage, your kids, their potty-training (or lack of), everything they ever say, what you're cooking for every meal, or how your Starbuck's looks today.  It's like total flippin' update overload.  If I wanted to know this much about anyone, I'd have MARRIED them.  Oh wait, I did…  But really, that's a very small group, so for the ones outside the circle of me and Shane…I don't need that kind of constant input.  I don't even ask him for hourly photo updates of what he looks like behind the wheel of his truck, so why would I need them from anyone else?

There are (possibly) five main types of FB posts:

1.  The TMI posts.  ("OMG y'all I just had the best turkey sandwich.  Check it out!") there's a minute I'll never get back…

2.  The check out my kickass life posts.  ("Chilling by the inground pool out back while the spa is being built, after a long day driving the Escalade 100 miles round trip for the best mani-pedi EVER!  J")

3.  The vague status updates.  ("I've never been so offended.")

4.  The wannabe gangsta posts.  ("feelz gr8 chilaxn wid mah boiz tonyt yo.")

5.  The selfie photo upload.  With or without meaningless text, face it, it's just a reason to put your face on here, again, today.  And I'm like, oh look…you look, just like you did in the last picture, what was it…four hours ago?   Oh, wait, this one's from the LEFT side.   Cute.

As a reference, If you have more than two photos of your face, up close, with no one else equally in the picture, on your FB page, unless you've had surgery to add or remove something; or you've had an inspirational amount of weight loss or changed your hair color (even then, that one's on the fence), then you are GUILTY of too many selfies!!   Fifty lashes!!!  Stop, please!

And really, do you seriously have 755 ACTUAL FRIENDS??  No, silly.  You have, like, 4.  Just like everyone else on the planet.  I can't imagine having that many people privy to my everyday life.  It's freaky.  What if suddenly one of your 'friends' shows up at your house?  Knock knock.  'Hello?' 'Hi, I'm Bob.  From Facebook.  We've never met, so I searched you online, Google mapped your house, Googled your social feeds and family info, and just thought I'd stop by.  We have the same birthdate."

So, in the interests of everyone having a better understanding of how their FB friends really feel, I think we should have more than ONE way to respond to the people we choose to stay connected to.  Maybe if we were allowed to show our immediate reaction to posts, FB would sort of self-correct.  Here's a start…feel free to add on from here.

1.  Thumbs down = "Dislike" 

2.  Two thumbs down = "Dislike and a warning not to post like this again."

3.  Three thumbs down = "DISLIKE and turning off your feed."

4.  Fist = "Punch" (for idiot posts)

5.  Mouth with X over it = "Shut.UP."

6.  TMI = TMI, dude, seriously.  No one needs to know what song you're listening to.

7.  Rubber ducky = Selfie and/or ducklips limit reached.  Stop, please.

8.  Clock = Tick tock. Why are you still awake, posting? Don't you have a life?

9.  Bar of soap = Too much profanity.  Puh-leez.

10. Blurry stick figure = Too vague.  I don't want to try and figure out whatever it is that you do 'not want to talk about', in public.

11.  Candycane = Too sweet.  You've reached your quota for inspirational quotes.

12.  Foghorn = Too many updates in one day.  We're friends, not Siamese twins.

13.  :P = Eww, gross.

14.  >:(  = Rude.   

15.  X  = Political ranting limit reached.  STOP with the outspoken, in-your-face posts and links to rants about religion, politics, gay rights, gun rights, fair trade, left/right wing stuff, etc.  You aren't going to change my mind in any category, but your constant yelling about these topics makes YOU seem intolerant and arrogant, and is making me reconsider why we're friends in the first place.  Huge problem.

16. UF = Unfriending you -- peace out dude.

Whoa.  That was supposed to be a list of maybe 10 things…Well, you get the picture.  I'll be over here, NOT on FB.  Feel free to send a Christmas newsletter.