My Gluten-Free (ish) Life. Sort of.

If you've read my prior posts about diet and exercise (or lack and distaste thereof), you know I started taking a thyroid med last fall, which hasn't made any difference that I can tell, other than...I take a pill every morning.

ummm...?

To make a long story slightly shorter and less mind-numbingly boring, I will update to say that the only thing that has worked for me, in terms of losing any weight (and I have lost 9 of 30 needed pounds so far, which is good, but it comes back immediately if I let up) is this:

Cut out gluten.  Cut out all processed carbs.  Cut out all carbs in general, except vegetables, but not eating much of potatoes or corn.  Cut out alcohol (umm...kind of).  Cut out sugar (except my sour patch because no). Cut out ---

Ok nevermind.

Basically what I CAN have is:  Fruit.  Vegetables.  Meat.  And of those, I have to weigh my portions and limit myself to 1200 calories a day.  THEN I lose weight.  Slowly.

Very cool.  VERY EFFING COOL.   Thanks, body.

What I have noticed, after cutting out gluten and as many sneaky ingredients that contain gluten as possible, is that if I *do* have something with gluten in it, the next day I have a headache and I feel like a useless hangover rolled up in a foggy influenza-like coma.  I've never had an alcohol hangover, but now I can say I get gluten hangovers I guess.  I literally can waste the whole day curled up on the couch reading, or alternately painting my nails and scrolling through Instagram, and then it's like (glances at clock) 2:52 p.m., and I realize "Hey, I should do something today besides nothing.  Or maybe I could just take a nap."

seems legit

Today I feel a little bit that way again.  I did manage to get rid of the headache earlier with some Motrin, but it is 2:52 p.m., and here I am, writing a blog post.  OK, I totally did do some laundry earlier, and I may or may not have painted my nails several times, which matters to a strangely large number of Instagram followers...But I have all these other things I'm supposed to be doing, like planting the garden, or hiking Nepal or solving world peace and stuff, and so far none of THAT is getting done.

*sigh*

But at least my NAILS look great.

My accomplishment for today.  Oh, and I totally solved world hunger.

Well, there's still time to plant today...it's supposed to rain tomorrow and Saturday so that gives me an excuse to REALLY hang out inside and play with nail polish and cross stitch, so I suppose I should go out and try and accomplish something today besides not napping.  (Yay, I didn't fall asleep? Is that a thing?)

Thanks for listening.  Love to hear how any of you have overcome the weird disconnected hungover feeling that fogs up a lot of my days lately...

Thanks, Insomnia. I Owe You a Punch in the Face

I don't even have anything to say except WHAT THE HECK.  And, insomnia is nothing new.

(and of course I don't mean that.  I'm sure I have A LOT to say)

Me.  Last night.    (ok, that's *not* me)

I've always been a "night owl".  Even as a kid, I couldn't sleep until like 1 a.m. or later.  The whole house would be asleep, and there I'd be, in the dark, staring at nothing, going over the day in my head.  What they said, what I said, what about tomorrow?  Who cares?  It's 2 a.m., kid.

So, I slept a lot on the bus on the way to school.  And in class.  And on the way home.

When I graduated high school, it got a little better.  Over the last several years (and, yes, it's been a long time since high school), it's gradually gotten worse again.

These days, this is usually my new sleep pattern:
6:30 p.m.:  Yawning and could totally take a nap (which I don't, because hello--dinner).

7-9 p.m.:  Dinner and dishes, hang out with Shane, start a movie, work on knitting.

9:00 p.m.:  Second wind.  Totally not tired.  It's only 9?  The night's still young! Time to knit and read some more.  Yay me!  I love evenings!

Everyone's asleep! No chores! Time to chill!

11:00 p.m.:  Still reading or knitting, possibly a bit sleepy. I really better get to bed.  I have to be up at 7, and I've started trying to go to the gym to swim after dropping our youngest at school. If you're not a morning person, you can probably imagine how *awesome* it is to get  in a chilly swimming pool in a bathing suit at 8:30 a.m.   Total willpower test.

aiieeeeeeeeeeeee  

Seriously?  Could we warm it UP a little?

Nevermind.  I'm good.

moving on.  What was I talking about?  Oh, right.  Insomnia.

On most nights, I can usually go to bed and fall right to sleep.  For about an hour.  Then I wake back UP...and my brain thinks it's possibly morning, until I look at the clock.  What the --?  I slept for 40 minutes!??  No.  Nononononononono.  I do not want to be awake now.  Don't think about it.  Just go back to sleep...shhhhh...there, there...

On some rare nights, I can keep my eyes closed and actually get back to sleep.

However.  If my brain has been awake for more than, say, a minute, I hear this:  "You know what we haven't thought about for...about an hour?  Bills.  And your health.  You're not getting any younger.  You could be sick already with whatever is going to kill you.  Or Shane.  He could be sick right now.  And you don't have insurance, right?  Yeah, that would be bad, wouldn't it?  Also...you have a lot of bills, and they're ALL late.  That's bad, too.  Oh, I see you're awake now.  Maybe you should go check your bank account and see if it's still overdrawn.  Because at 2:48 a.m., there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT MUAAHAHAHAHAAREYOUAWAKENOWHOWABOUTNOW?

3:35 a.m.:  You still awake?  Also...you have a child in college.  I hope she's safe.  Just a thought.  Go back to sleep.  shhh  close your eyes

lalalalala...I didn't hear that

3:50 a.m.:  Is that the heater coming on? You have a fireplace, but you're running gas heat?  Nice.  That's going to be expensive.  Is the fire going too?  Did you stoke it before bed?  Are you too hot yet?  Too cold?  You should check the thermostat, or the fire.  If the door's closed, you'll be too cold.

I'm really hungry, too.  You can't sleep when you're hungry.  Hey, how's that diet coming?  You should go get on the scale, but you know what...I don't think the swimming's helping, since you've GAINED WEIGHT since you started swimming.  That really sucks. And you never even use the exercise bike that's right upstairs.  What is your problem??  You could go work out right now, but you're not that dedicated, are you?

I'm starting to think of this voice as possibly the actual devil.  The one you meet at the crossroads of 3 a.m. and nothing'swrongwithmyhealthormyfamily.

4:18 a.m.: Don't look at the clock.  Do NOT.  Don't.  Oh, look, it's getting light out.  I think I hear the rooster.  What the actual heck?  Why is he crowing when it's still dark?

You awake yet? Because I can do this ALL DAY.

4: 20 am.:  Why even bother trying to sleep? You should probably just get up.  Or, you could sleep for like 2.5 hours, if you go to sleep right.this.minute, and then wake up feeling like someone threw you under a bus.  That's a fun option.  So, go to sleep...now....      NOW.   You asleep yet?  Wow.  Look at Shane.  He's been asleep since 8:40.  That's like...(do the math) 8 hours.  He's gotten 8 HOURS MORE sleep than you tonight.  No wonder you're no fun during the day.  Are you crying?

Just forget the sleep thing and get up and go work on a new budget.  Who knows, maybe your finances have improved since the close of yesterday's banking day. Or maybe you won the lottery overnight, and you don't know it yet.  Of course, the banks are probably already open, back east, so...yeah.  Things could be better!  Or worse.  But you won't know unless you get up, right?

Yep, still $0.

Sometimes, if I catch this cycle soon enough (like at 1 a.m.), I'll just take a Tylenol PM or a shot of vodka (or both, don't judge), and somehow that seems to break the cycle, and I'll stay asleep.  If I take two, though, I'm pretty much unconscious at 7:25 and can only mumble in my pillow to Shane, "take her to school pleze" but it comes out sounding like, "mmmfffhooolplz". He knows what it means though, and because he is my angel of mercy, he drives her to school, lets the cats out, and leaves me to sleep, bless him.

That was my day, the last two days.  How was yours?  Any suggestions?  I'm open to pretty much anything today; my eye is twitching, and I slept about 3.5 hours, from 4-7:30.

How's That New Healthy-Food Kick Going?

Pretty good.  Thanks for asking.

So...The whole eating-healthier-because-we-want-to-live thing is still going on here.  I am pretty much buying only fruits and vegetables right now, in the hope that IF YOU'RE HUNGRY ENOUGH, YOU WILL EAT THEM AND NOT CALL DOMINO'S AT 10 PM BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING IN THE FRIDGE BUT BROCCOLI, NOT EVEN A PIECE OF CHEESE.   Right??

I also stopped drinking coffee (again) a few days ago.

Actually, I didn't.  But we appear to be out of creamer AND cream right now, and coffee for me doesn't exist without some form of cream.  Not milk, either.  That is not the same, so don't be all throwing that out there.  Plus, we're out of milk, or I'm not buying it because it's bad for Shane's cholesterol or something.

That's the best way I know how to diet.  Just quit having that stuff in the fridge, and tah-dah...you can't eat it.  Problem solved.

Today I did make coffee for him, and I stood at the fridge for quite awhile wondering what I could put in a cup for me.  Greek yogurt? Nah, too much honey.  Sour cream?  Maybe.  Bleu cheese dressing?  Come on, it's 8:30 a.m...  Then I found Redi-Whip, another thing I buy about once a decade, so I put that in it.

Don't judge.  I'm having raw cauliflower and almonds for lunch.

Yep. It's all about health around here.

Plant-Based, Whole Foods, Blah, Blah--Yeahright. An Update-

In a nutshell, here's my life.  Every day:

EAT THIS!

NOT THIS.  NOT THIS!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!?  NOT THIS!  See the grapes? Eat those.

OR THIS EITHER, YOU IDIOT.  Just stop it.  Leave the kitchen.

I need to superglue these to my refrigerator door and possibly the cabinets, the sink, and the bathroom mirror.

You may know that we are trying to merge over to a healthier way of eating, because I KNOW it's the better choice.  Not strictly vegan or vegetarian but a definite shift away from processed foods, sugar, meat, and dairy.  And everything else we love.  (I'm an almost-famous ex-pastry chef, for crying out loud!)  But God BLESS IT, it's been a total pain to have the willpower (and the constant supply of vegetables on hand) to make it happen.  

For example.  I wake up every day thinking, yeah, today I will ROCK THIS NEW DIET.  I will work out for like an HOUR, minimum, with cardio and weights and core training.  I got this.  I will be SO buff by my birthday (Easter/Mother's Day/beach weather/back to school/Christmas/New Year's, definitely by the end of the year. Seriously) this year.  I mean it.  Totally I will become a work-out and fitness fanATic.  Pretty much, starting today.  Or possibly tomorrow, because today's half over...

Then my eat-what-sounds-good habit/life kicks in, and so far today I've had:

--A cup of hot chocolate.  (okaaaay.  I do that every day, so that's a given)

--Half a banana.  (OMG girl, you are such a diet freak)

--A hot turkey and provalone panini (What? OK, OK!! But it WAS on homemade 100% wholewheat bread...with Best Foods slathered all over it...Grade: C- for lunch choice)

--Coffee with nondairy creamer (I don't even DRINK coffee any more.  What the heck??)

*frowns angrily out the window*

Add more veggies to grocery list.  Check.

Yeah.  So far I'm FREAKING AWESOME at this.  I have lost (and gained and lost and gained) the same 5 pounds like 3 times since we started.  The word "plateau" sounds more like a curse, right now.  I have been "at a plateau" FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS.  I don't need more advice about THAT, and I sure can't reduce my calories any further.  I could work out more, but the idea of seriously working out for an hour, every day, makes me super cranky and frowny and mad at the 28-year-old me who thought she was fat 25 pounds ago.  I want to go back and slap her.

There's hope, though.  I could still have a smoothie for a snack and curried cauliflower with spinach salad for dinner.  Because, yes, that sounds so yummy (that's sarcasm, guys).  But, we're out of yogurt. And spinach.  Aaaand, there's a whole pork roast with cheesy mashed potato leftovers in the fridge from last night, so tonight is probably shot.  (It was SUNday.  Come ON).

Well, at least I'm totally wearing a sports bra right now.  Just in case I actually go upstairs and get on our exercise bike...because I'm prepared like that.

Gahhh.  Wish me luck.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

I keep trying to leave our cabinets and fridge devoid of any other choices, but it's sure not an overnight transition, let me tell you!  Because when you're craving carbs and dairy...carrots and tofu just do not do it.  

No. They. Don't.

Anyone else having trouble making a switch to a healthier diet, I'd love to hear from you.