Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What Is This? Priceline??

Oh. My. Gosh.

Guys.  I'm literally laughing out freaking loud right now.  Here's a customer service laugh for all of you in retail.

We run a business selling retail firewood; we've been doing it for like 14 years.  Per cord, our firewood prices range from 165.00-265.00.  EACH.

I just received an email from an ex-customer, who hasn't ordered since 2006, because even then, he was SO CHEAP that he canceled an order over a $20.00 difference in price and asked us to take him off our mailing list because he "could find it cheaper somewhere else."

No problem.  Took him off the list and never heard from him again.  Until--

TODAY.  *bing*  An email shows up on my phone, which means it came through our website, where our prices are clearly LISTED.

He's ordering our top-priced wood, which is $265.00 PER CORD.  He wants THREE cords.  And here I quote:

Him:  Will pay $110 per cord if it is buckskin tamarack.  Prefer it above red fir, but might go $120 possibly.  Note: Have been a customer previously.


*doubled over laughing so hard*

Is this effing PRICELINE??  OH MY GOSH!  
hold up a sec-

*composes self and wipes tears of laughter*  Oh, my abs...!

I quit laughing long enough to politely write him back, still snorting with laughter but maintaining the professional restraint  to keep from instantly writing back--"You're kidding, right?"  or "How about if I make you a counter-offer, then you can see if that works for you, then you can counter my counter-offer??"  or "Yeah.  1965 was a good year."

What the actual HECK?!??

I wrote back:
Me:  Hi *priceline-type customer*,  Our current prices are available online.  Unfortunately, we don't offer anything in that price range, but thanks for inquiring.

Best regards, yours truly, sincerely...  etc., etc.

Seriously, you guys--we haven't had anything under $140.00, even for our economy wood, since before 2005.  What decade is he writing from?  What response was he expecting?? Do you go the Home Depot counter with your cart and say, "I'll give you $50.00 for this whole cart full, maybe $75, but that's as high as I can go"?

I got such a kick out of this email that I couldn't even delete it, and it's too special to simply "save", so guess what?  I made him his very own folder in my email folder list.  It's called Things Worth Laughing At.  And it now has one email in it.   


whew.  I just had to share that.  Thanks for listening.  

hashtag crazy customers whattheheck  


  1. I work in retail now...I have a meeting with the owner today...we're going to discuss me writing a new purchase order system for them. I think I will tell him to throw in a couch and a spa. That should go over well. hahahah.

    1. Haha! You totally should--Or at least tell him firmly that you'll take them for less than half of retail. He'll appreciate your no-nonsense way of laying down the law and probably offer them for free anyway when he realizes you mean business. Have him throw in a pony, too, because why not? ;)