Thursday, June 20, 2013

Facebook Should Have a "Punch" Button

Dear Mark: This is just NOT enough.

I'm not the biggest fan of Facebook, so I'll just throw that out there.  I know I'm not alone, but I felt like I had to Add My Voice.

I get that you can 'Like' someone's post or update or whatever, and I only click 'Like' if I really, actually DO like them.  If you post random song lyrics, happy kittens/rainbows/butterflies with sisterly inspirational poems, or how much you love your husband, I will probably not respond, even though that's nice and all.

What I do wish, is that they gave you other options (besides just 'Like'-- 'Like' is so limiting) for all the random did-I have-to-see-that posts, that I try to weed OUT.  I know, you can select to have someone not "show in your feeds", but if they're family or whatever, then I'm stuck with the almost-as-annoying task of looking them up individually every once in awhile, to see if they have any real news that I might need to see, and then ahhhhhhhhhhHHH noooooo, there are all their daily/hourly profile photo changes and status updates about what the kids had for breakfast/snack/dinner, or the 'how cute is this?' post with the kids hugging/sleeping/dressed as pumpkins/covered in dirt or whatever.
Really, all I would LIKE to receive is just news that, once upon a time, you might have, say, CALLED someone on the phone about (remember back when we used to CALL each other on the phone??  Not text…d-i-a-l  their number and actually say words to each other in real time?)  Stuff you might include in the Christmas newsletter (which I also don't do), or photos you'd send to various family/friends to keep us up to date.  Wow, their kids are sure getting tall! I thought he/she was still about 4 years old.  Has it really been this long?? We should get together more. 

When's the last time you called an acquaintance, who you've possibly never met in person, just to say, "My cats are asleep." See?  TMI.  There should be a filter there.

So, what I do NOT need is hourly updates on everysinglefreakingfacet of your day-to-day life, your marriage, your kids, their potty-training (or lack of), everything they ever say, what you're cooking for every meal, or how your Starbuck's looks today.  It's like total flippin' update overload.  If I wanted to know this much about anyone, I'd have MARRIED them.  Oh wait, I did…  But really, that's a very small group, so for the ones outside the circle of me and Shane…I don't need that kind of constant input.  I don't even ask him for hourly photo updates of what he looks like behind the wheel of his truck, so why would I need them from anyone else?
There are (possibly) five main types of FB posts:

1.  The TMI posts.  ("OMG y'all I just had the best turkey sandwich.  Check it out!") there's a minute I'll never get back…
2.  The check out my kickass life posts.  ("Chilling by the inground pool out back while the spa is being built, after a long day driving the Escalade 100 miles round trip for the best mani-pedi EVER!  J")

3.  The vague status updates.  ("I've never been so offended.")
4.  The wannabe gangsta posts.  ("feelz gr8 chilaxn wid mah boiz tonyt yo.")

5.  The selfie photo upload.  With or without meaningless text, face it, it's just a reason to put your face on here, again, today.  And I'm like, oh look…you look, just like you did in the last picture, what was it…four hours ago?   Oh, wait, this one's from the LEFT side.   Cute.
As a reference, If you have more than two photos of your face, up close, with no one else equally in the picture, on your FB page, unless you've had surgery to add or remove something; or you've had an inspirational amount of weight loss or changed your hair color (even then, that one's on the fence), then you are GUILTY of too many selfies!!   Fifty lashes!!!  Stop, please!

And really, do you seriously have 755 ACTUAL FRIENDS??  No, silly.  You have, like, 4.  Just like everyone else on the planet.  I can't imagine having that many people privy to my everyday life.  It's freaky.  What if suddenly one of your 'friends' shows up at your house?  Knock knock.  'Hello?' 'Hi, I'm Bob.  From Facebook.  We've never met, so I searched you online, Google mapped your house, Googled your social feeds and family info, and just thought I'd stop by.  We have the same birthdate."
So, in the interests of everyone having a better understanding of how their FB friends really feel, I think we should have more than ONE way to respond to the people we choose to stay connected to.  Maybe if we were allowed to show our immediate reaction to posts, FB would sort of self-correct.  Here's a start…feel free to add on from here.

1.  Thumbs down = "Dislike" 
2.  Two thumbs down = "Dislike and a warning not to post like this again."
3.  Three thumbs down = "DISLIKE and turning off your feed."
4.  Fist = "Punch" (for idiot posts)
5.  Mouth with X over it = "Shut.UP."
6.  TMI = TMI, dude, seriously.  No one needs to know what song you're listening to.
7.  Rubber ducky = Selfie and/or ducklips limit reached.  Stop, please.

8.  Clock = Tick tock. Why are you still awake, posting? Don't you have a life?

9.  Bar of soap = Too much profanity.  Puh-leez.

10. Blurry stick figure = Too vague.  I don't want to try and figure out whatever it is that you do 'not want to talk about', in public.

11.  Candycane = Too sweet.  You've reached your quota for inspirational quotes.

12.  Foghorn = Too many updates in one day.  We're friends, not Siamese twins.

13.  :P = Eww, gross.

14.  >:(  = Rude.   
15.  X  = Political ranting limit reached.  STOP with the outspoken, in-your-face posts and links to rants about religion, politics, gay rights, gun rights, fair trade, left/right wing stuff, etc.  You aren't going to change my mind in any category, but your constant yelling about these topics makes YOU seem intolerant and arrogant, and is making me reconsider why we're friends in the first place.  Huge problem.

16. UF = Unfriending you -- peace out dude.
Whoa.  That was supposed to be a list of maybe 10 things…Well, you get the picture.  I'll be over here, NOT on FB.  Feel free to send a Christmas newsletter.


  1. HA! This is so true! I think we may have a lot of mutual friends ;-)

    1. Anna-- I know, right? Maybe people just fall into the FB stereotype by DEFAULT. lol