Wednesday, July 30, 2014

More Awkward Encounters--My Earliest Awkward Memory

If you've read much here, you may know I have a dorky tendency to always blurt out the wrong thing either in the wrong way or to the wrong person, so it got me thinking...when did this start?

I immediately knew.

I will try to make it brief.  (I said try.  Not promise).

When I was about 8, there were a boy and girl (siblings) who I equally adored (her) and loathed (him).  She had saved my life once, for real, when I managed to slip and fall down in the fastest current of our local river swimming hole, and found myself suddenly sputtering and tumbling along in a part of the river that was strong enough to CARRY ME ALL THE WAY DOWN THE WHOLE RIVER AND POSSIBLY THROUGH THE DAM WHERE I WOULD SURELY DIE.  aieeeeeeeee

She saved me by simply stepping into the water and grabbing my scrawny self, and saying, "Put your feet down".  It was like 6" deep.  But I was reallyreallyreally sure I almost died, right there; and Diane saved me, for real, so I adored her.

Her brother, Dale...I loathed.  I don't even remember *why*.  I just remember despising him.  I remember that he was bigger than us, and he was hateful and greasy and mean, and us younger kids all hated him, especially me.  I hated him with the fire of a thousand suns, with all the hate an 8-year-old could muster.
Still waters, guys.
One day, Dale was teasing someone--my brother, me, or one of the other kids, and it must have been just the last straw with this boy, because I remember I just--snapped.  He was giggling and tormenting one of us over who knows what, and I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth and glared at him.  I summoned up the worst thing I could think of, feeling like I wished I could rip him apart with my bare teeth and he would exist no longer (I still remember how angry I was).  And I screamed at him:

"You're BACON!    AND I LOVE BACON!!!!"

Wait.  What?

I meant that to sound like..."You are the one thing I want to rip with my teeth and just...destroy."  Instead, there was this shocked silence from the other kids.  Then:

Them:  AaaaahhhhhahahahahahahaHAHAHAHA.  You LOVE DALE!!  She loves Daaa-aaale!

Me:  NO!! Aughh!  I hate him! I want to BITE him.  (I actually had a bit of a reputation for literally biting people at that age, but that's a different story)

Them:  Stef and DAy-le, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!

They would not be dissuaded.  Hysterical childish laughter still echoes in my head.

*shrivel*  *hiss*

I've been saying dumb stuff like that, pretty much ever since.

What's your earliest awkward foot-in-mouth memory?  Didn't we all have that one kid we wished would just disappear?


  1. Buahahaha it's like all of your various passions got mixed up and shot out the wrong escape chutes. Does that not make sense? I'm very sleepy.

    1. Exactly that. I did love bacon. But I wanted to bite him. Somehow it just came out all wrong.

    2. Diane & Dale?......who??

    3. Neighbors by the Line. Pue?

  2. Ha! I have a talent for that sort of thing as well. Not to mention I LOVE BACON!

    1. Isn't that funny?..and, Why on earth? I still don't know why that came out of my mouth!

  3. OMG...Oh honey...that is awesome.

    You time hubs and I get into an argument, I'm saying this to him. Bet it diffuses the situation immediately.

    I actually laughed at my desk reading this. I never laugh at my desk. My desk is not a place for laughing.

    1. Oh, I am so glad to hear that! You should always laugh at your desk.

      And yeah. If we yelled this at people we want to get rid of, it would definitely make them stop and think, wouldn't it? Because who KNOWS what kind of mind lurks behind *that* kind of verbal skill? lol