Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Wrong Opening Line. Every Time. Yep--That's Me...

Anyone else need to quit trying to make conversation with random strangers?

Don't you love the awkwardness that ensues when you think you're being all hilarious and sharing a joke with a stranger, and the person you're talking to has no idea why you're even speaking to them? Or worse, they appear insulted?  That's me...pretty much most of the time.

Yesterday I thought I actually was being funny (my mistake) when I came out of the grocery store after a giant snowstorm, with wayyyy more than the milk, mayo and toilet paper I'd gone IN for. For some reason, I'd been randomly wandering the store discovering all these lovely organic things I hadn't taken the time to notice before, and ended up buying a lot more than I had planned.  Because, you know, snow.  And apparently my secret shopping rule about snow storms is "BUY ALL THE THINGS."

It wasn't until I walked out that I remembered that there was 3-4" of new snow on top of the ice in the grocery store parking lot.  I guess they plow, but by 9:30 a.m., you're pretty much on your own.

No thanks.  Really, I got it.
So--I paused at the exit on the last bit of sidewalk that was clear, holding onto my 300-pound cart, and stared across the parking lot to my car, which I had luckily parked really close to the front entrance, but still...lots of snow separated us.  I stood there pondering for a bit, thinking, "Oh, wow. THIS was probably a really bad a idea".  With that exact *look* on my face.

I was picturing THIS, only with all our food in it...
...so I thought.  Apparently my "this was a bad idea" look, looks just like my "I may say something crazy right now" look, so I guess I need to work on that.

A woman was walking in towards me right at that moment, and we made eye contact.  She saw me hesitating before braving a nearly impossible push to my car, with what I thought was a funny look on my face. I thought it was OBvious that I was standing there staring because I was questioning my own judgement about filling a cart and then assuming I could then also get that cart to my car across a slush wasteland, so I just looked at her and said:

Me:  Ahhh, that moment of regret.

Her:  What??

She apparently didn't see me questioning my own judgement while holding a too-heavy cart that I had no chance of pushing all the way to my car without a dog team.  She thought I was saying something about her, I guess...Maybe she thought I was questioning her judgement in putting on that full-length puffer coat that made her look like a ship in full sail.  She looked like she was actually annoyed with me.
She wasn't rocking this look.  At all.  But I digress...

I mentally apologized to her for trying to make her smile and recovered nicely by saying, "You know.  That moment of regret when you realize your cart's never going to make it to your car." She still looked at me like I had just asked her for some spare change, frowned, and went inside. Or maybe she was making a note to NOT make the same mistake.  (You're welcome, lady!)

It's always kind of a let down when you make a joke with the WRONG PERSON.  I consoled myself with the fact that she just didn't get it, but I still felt like kind of a freak as I dragged my cart (and actually almost spilled it once--yeah, THAT HELPED) to my car...
Exactly this.  Only with a grinch load in the cart, and more snow.  Good times.
I should have asked her to help me.

Note to self:  try shopping at 5:30 a.m. next time, because apparently that is the only time you will see any concrete in the parking lot.  Or, hire a sherpa with a yak team.


  1. this is the post that got me laughing to begin with .....before snot leakage (next comment on cat post). I love love your sense of humor! I've done this awkward rambling so many times I can't tell you. My entire life is people staring at me like I'm holding an effing octopus.

    1. HAHAHA an octopus might have been less awkward. Because, hello-- OCTOPUS. It's obvious, right? lol!!

    2. Ah....speaking what your thinking out loud within ear shot of strangers
      is something you inherited from me. I do it all the time. So did my mom. So does Aunt Linda.
      I can't remember ever having anyone acting offended by me doing that & often it becomes a quick fun exchange that can be the high light of the day. That said....keep doin it cause its usually fun & usually true too.

    3. Hi mom! Yeah, we do have a gift for off-the-cuff commentary, don't we? And it is usually fun, but this lady seriously wasn't amused, though, or even interested. ouch

  2. Hahahaha okay, you KNOW I've been there and know this feeling all too well! I am THE QUEEN of doing this sort of thing and then having to awkwardly give a long explanation as to how hilarious and witty you are. I'm not sure what's worse-- when someone gives you a condescending "ha ha ha" or just stares blankly and rushes off.

    1. I know. If I had a nickel for EVERY TIME I HAVE HAD TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE to people. "No seriously.. that was hiLARious. Let me tell you again."

      It doesn't help if they come in halfway through the joke or have no idea what I'm talking about, though...so I let her off. But still. She didn't have to FROWN at me.

  3. I agree, the frown was unnecessary. You should have shouted after her, "It's a long story!"

    1. LOL. I know right? I should have thanked her for giving me a day's worth of laughs over the pictures I found to illustrate our meeting. :)

  4. I love those pictures. Those poor people, but they really illustrated your story quite wrll. And I can sympathize with your dilemma/ situation. People have no trouble talking loudly vi cell phones to people not even with them in said supermarket (which annoys the heck outta me, I'm stuck behind them giving them the stink eye and screaming" both hands, steer the cart with BOTH hands" iny head as they either babble about nothing OR something that should be discussed in private, blocking the aisle completely. But try to talk to someone face to face? Fuggetaboutit. People look at me like I'm talking to my imaginary posse of friends. Especially in NJ, where I've finally escaped for truly greener pastures in PA. It's not so bad here. The snow is not as bad here either, and this has been a particularly cold and snowy winter here.

    1. Oh, don't even get me started on the people who talk on the phone in the grocery store!! Pleh.