Aside from the fact that I've been unsuccessfully fighting the same 30 pounds for about 10 years, I've been repeatedly told I "should get my thyroid checked", and I have like 9 of the 10 symptoms of hypothyroidism.
I have ranted about this before, but it's not helping, so here I go again. I'm getting really tired of this. I'm not used to losing the fights I fight. When I set my mind to something, I ALWAYS accomplish it, so why the heck is this not working? And, how does my weight continues to go UP?
|maybe I'll just TAPE THIS OVER MY MOUTH|
My weight problems started after taking the diet craze pill called Metabolife (the original, really bad for you formula) way back in the mid-late 1990s, when I didn't actually HAVE a weight problem. So, I'm not even sure why I tried it, because at that time, I had always maintained the same weight. I bounced back easily after two pregnancies (where I gained 48 and 54 pounds respectively). I liked my body then. It was beautiful and curvy at a healthy 128-135 pounds. It actually stopped traffic once in a terrific dress that I'll always keep as a reminder, though in those days, I always thought it could be better. Just...why.
Back then, I could eat anything I wanted, within reason, and my weight would maintain. Gain a few pounds, oops...cut back here and there over a few days and tah-dah--back where I need to be. I never worked out. I never dieted. There's no history of obesity in our family, and don't give me that "well...it's just our AGE" crap. This is not normal.
Fast forward to about 2004, when a year had gone by where we didn't have a scale. I went in for a physical (that was also...ahem..my last physical, but I digress), and found I'd gained 20 pounds. I about FELL OFF the scale.
No. That can't be possible, doc. Move that slide-y thing back. Back. BaaaaaaccccckkkkKK.
Let me try it with my shoes off??
So, I bought a scale and decided to get a handle on whatever had happened to my body.
Ever since then, I have fought my weight. I've cut various things out of my diet. I have swum laps for hours and gone to the gym (ok, yes, sporadically, but as often as 6 days a week without weight loss...really??? That'll make you DEFINITELY QUIT GOING TO THE GYM ). I bought an exercise bike and rode it to the moon and back, with no result. Did Pilates. Jumping jacks. Run up the stairs and back down. I have taken herbal supplements and multivitamins. Tried to be like my Mom--read Back to Eden and stocked up on vegetarian cookbooks. I have counted calories and done online help-me-lose-weight apps. I have been drinking hot water with lemon and honey in the morning forEVER. I tried acai berry and apple cider vinegar. I have cut processed foods, fast foods, GMO's, coffee, and all my beloved carbs. I never eat any of the desserts I bake (if I bake at all anymore). I have gone on a more or less plant-based, whole-food diet, all organic. Heck, I hardly ever even eat HOT food any more...Raw cucumbers or fruit again? YES because who doesn't love raw cucumbers every damn day? We sort of tried to go a little bit vegan. I work outside in the garden in the summer, EVERY DAY FOR 1-4 HOURS A DAY. EVERY DAY.
Did I mention, every day?
I keep gaining weight.
What. The. Hell.
Oh sure, I'll lose a few pounds here and there, but as soon as I let up the relentless pressure of eating almost nothing and cutting out ALL THINGS THAT I LOVE, my weight floats up just as relentlessly.
Here's my life in a nutshell: (yes...apparently I *can* have nuts, hahaHAHAAA *weeps*)
Consume more than 1200-1500 calories in a day? = weight gain.
Any wheat products (even whole grain)? = weight gain (like 7 pounds in 3 days on vacation!! what the actual?)
Any processed carbs, even brown rice flour pasta or gluten-free vegan bagels? = weight gain.
Coffee with cream and sugar in the morning? = weight gain.
Other random things that aren't helping:
Alcohol. Sugar. Dairy (noooo, don't take my cheese and yogurt. It's my last joy).
If I limit the above three things and cut OUT the former carbs/wheat/coffee stuff...my weight will stay relatively the same, albeit 30 POUNDS HEAVIER THAN I SHOULD BE. Oh sure, it will drift down a pound or two here and there, but if I let up for even a day...it goes right back UP and we reset the clock and start ALL OVER.
So, to maintain, here's what I CAN have, based on my totally nonprofessional findings:
Yeah. This is AWESOME.
|I know, it LOOKS pretty. But it's not that cool when it's ALL YOU CAN EAT.|
So. I'm getting started with some labwork as soon as possible, as well as the long-overdue physical, also partly because "you're not getting any younger" is one of the recurring themes when I can't sleep and my brain starts reminding me of cool stuff to not forget about at 2:45 a.m., or lists I should be making.
Part of me hopes it will turn out be something like my thyroid, and not that I have just epically failed at something that should NOT be impossible. The other part of me will be really pissed if I've just wasted 10 years being 30 pounds overweight because of a hormone imbalance.
Sorry to go OFF, but I'm just so really totally sick of busting my butt (apparently *not enough*), eating nothing I enjoy, and getting on the scale to see the number has gone...UP. again.
Somebody tell me I'm not a fat, epic failure today...I really need it.