Wednesday, March 4, 2015

If the Toddler Years Were a Test, Is This a Do-Over?

I feel like I'm briefly (and voluntarily, let me add) spending some time in hell's waiting room.

Last week my life was great.  Orderly.  Quiet.  Uncluttered.  Simple.  Slobber-free.

Then I decided to act on a long-held dream we've had--to get a mastiff puppy.  Now do you know what my life is?  A circus.  My life is now a circus inside a hamster wheel inside a swirling vortex of nothing getting done BECAUSE PUPPY.  And yes, I'm actually happy about it.

I know, I TOTALLY SIGNED UP FOR THIS, but also--what. the. actual. heck?  I haven't had a puppy in like (counts on fingers while staring at the ceiling).....


....a long time.  At least 10 years.  And that one didn't stay, because she was intensity level = mach 5.  Her idea of a good time was to knock our kids over and tear everyone's clothes off with her teeth while running around like a maniac.


So, we got a baby mastiff.  Which is kind of like suddenly getting a new toddler who likes to chomp on every single thing in sight, especially the things that are not labeled "dog".  I remind myself that I volunteered for this.  If I can raise two kids, I can surely do this.  I want to do this.

After I shower, though, K?

I'm sneaking this post in while she is passed out among a variety of *toys* (and I use the term loosely) that I have been feeding her for the past hour, only one of which originated at Petco.  My living room looks like someone tipped a shopping cart over in it.  Or a small dumpster.

Here's my last two days, schedule-wise:

I haven't showered.

I haven't folded laundry.

I haven't made the bed.

I haven't washed the dishes.

I haven't been to the grocery store or the post office.

I haven't knitted anything.

I haven't slept more than 5 hours in a row.

I haven't done my French lesson.

I haven't called customers.

I haven't been online in days.  No idea what's going on in the world.

I haven't read blogs.  Blogs! So many blogs to catch up on...

I haven't worked out.

I have two broken fingernails that I haven't even had time to FILE.


I actually forgot to drive our youngest to driver's ed at 6 pm the other night.  (Seriously?? Who does that? Have I also lost my mind?)  We were chilling on the couch that night with the puppy, until we both looked at the clock at 6:08 and went OMG DRIVER'S ED!!  Jammed out of there and made it, 20 minutes late.

Them:  "Why are you late?"

Us:  "Um.  Puppy."

Them:  "Oh.  Right."

I think it was a good excuse, because apparently a new puppy shorts out your brain, too.  Even with calendar reminders on my phone for everything except breathing, this is pretty much my mental level right now:

I did manage to balance a bank account yesterday while handing her toys with one hand and writing with the other.

It absolutely feels like a flashback to having a toddler in the house.  You can't leave her alone for more than a few moments.  Walk in the kitchen--peekbackaroundthecorner to make sure she hasn't eaten the couch.  Walk in the bedroom...peekbackaroundthecorner to make sure she hasn't eaten the couch.  Walk to the see a pattern developing, right?  (And yes, we do have a crate, of course, but she doesn't get shut in except for bedtime and when I desperately need a shower or an uninterrupted meal).

So, I wait all day for her to take naps.  go to sleep, little pupppppyyyyy.  Soft kitty, warm kitty-- uh, sorry wrong song.    you're getting sleeeeeppppy.....shhhh....there, there.

This morning I slept clear in until the crack of 5:21 a.m.    Guys.  Do you have any idea what the freaking temperature is outside at 5:21 a.m. in Idaho right now??  LIKE 15 DEGREES.  It might as well be Antarctica, though, when you step out there barefoot out of a dead sleep.  In the dark.

I stumbled into some kind of flannel coat thing and slipped barefoot into krocs, which immediately got freezing-cold pebbles in them, so WOW THAT'S COLD, but I reminded myself that she's housetraining beautifully, so this is worth it. is very much like having a toddler all over again.  Except without the kind of....working up to that stage.  We just woke up one day and said,'s a good day to turn our life upside down.

Actually, she's amazing.  Calm, smart, beautiful, quiet and sweet like 99.9999% of the time, with actually very short-lived, sporadic bursts of what for her qualifies as "crazy", but for puppies of most other breeds it would qualify as possibly not even awake, on the Puppy Richter Scale for Levels of Crazy.  Which is exactly why we wanted a mastiff...because intensity level = 0.  Even as a puppy, she's calmer than any adult dog we've ever had.  If you throw a toy and it's farther than like 2 feet away, she flops down like, I can't.  It's too far.  She won't even try.

And of course we're in LOVE with her, so it's all really so worth it.

Also she's absolutely co-existing with the 3 cats, who are unbelievably fine with her, because she sits and watches them rather than trying to chase them, bark at them, or eat them (which we've experienced with other puppies in the past).  We got an actual nose-touch from Sam this morning, who is our most open-minded cat, so it's going better than I could have hoped for.  Except I could really use a meal and a shower...

*stops typing to listen*

She's actually snoring right now, so I better go redeem the time.  Wish me luck-

p.s.  It's a great weight loss program too!  I haven't had time to eat, and also can't remember when I ate last (see above), plus--I spend our 'outside time' running around more than she does.  Win-win, right?


  1. Awww...proud puppy momma! Here's to hoping you get a routine real soon. :)

    1. Thanks Michelle. It's much less crazy today, and she really is amazing. She's really good inside, follows me around and drops to the floor wherever I am, or lays on my feet or against my ankles.

      And --she sleeps all night from 11 to 7 in her crate, without making a peep, so I'm just delighted with her. Plus-- that face! *swoon*